WATER: it falls from the skies. Collect it, treat it, send it out through the taps, sieve out the turds, treat it, job f**king done. Is that so hard, water companies?
The UK is not a desert. It is an island, surrounded by sea, threaded with rivers, which enjoys high rainfall throughout the year. You could not have been handed an easier assignment.
And yet this job seems, once again, to have proven beyond you. Digging big holes to collect the water in is not complicated. The technology was developed approximately 2,600 years ago. Yet for the last 35 years, you have neglected to do so.
Likewise, a network of pipes can be inherited but must be maintained. Thinking ‘we’ve got the pipes already? Job done, who fancies a pint?’ is not a long-term strategy.
And yes, sewage is an issue. That’s why we pay you to take it away. But that was on the proviso that you did something with it in those sewage treatment plants you have so many of. Certainly that was our understanding.
To find that, instead, you have been saying ‘What should I do with this bucket of shit?’ ‘I dunno, dump it in Lake Windermere?’ is deeply disappointing and represents very poor value for money. If we wanted crap in rivers, we could do it ourselves.
Yes, we turn taps on and water comes out. You’ve grasped the absolute basics. It’s just every other part of your job you’ve failed at, apart from maintaining a strong flow of our money to your shareholders. That bit’s been done most assiduously.
In conclusion, big thanks for the bill rises over the next five years. We look forward to you wasting the lot before we take over and do the job ourselves.
