subscribe
/ Sign Out

Supermarkets just f**king dying to put the Easter Eggs out

BRITAIN’S supermarket chains have confirmed they are just fucking itching to start putting Easter eggs out.

With Christmas over, supermarkets are keen to have another cash grab from Easter eggs and associated tat, despite it being a quarter of a year away.

Supermarket chief executive Nathan Muir said: “People are generally pretty stupid and think if they’re out on show then they should be buying them.

“Our dream is to one day have several aisles in the supermarket dedicated to seasonal crap at completely the wrong time of year.

“So you could buy fireworks for Easter and chocolate eggs for Bonfire Night. We can probably convince the dense bastards they need inflatable Santas all year round.”

Shopper Emma Bradford said: “I know it’s not Easter for fucking forever but if they put them on the shelves I’ll have a terror of not planning ahead and buy them now.

“And then eat them in the next couple of weeks when I’ve got a hangover or just because it’s chocolate, then buy more fairly pointless chocolate eggs to make up for it.

“I haven’t even got kids.”

The Wetherspoons customer's guide to a no-deal Brexit

ARE you a pants-wetting Remoaner who’s worried about no-deal Brexit? Here Wetherspoons regular Norman Steele answers your questions at 10am with a pint.

Should I be worried about food shortages?

Fuck off. We’ll grow our own food. All you need is soil and seeds, and male animals and lady animals. I wish Remoaners would stop overcomplicating things.

If there’s a short-term problem – which there won’t be – we can always do a Dunkirk and get our brave ‘little ships’ to go to a supermarket in Calais. I’m getting choked up just thinking about it.

Could there be civil unrest?

There will be if the EU doesn’t stop trying it on. Me, Brian and Dave have agreed to make petrol bombs and do a riot. This is in no way bullshit pisshead bravado caused by 11 pints in Spoons.

Are we heading for an economic disaster? It certainly looks like it.

Project Fear 3.0, mate. Sony may be fucking off but we’ll just make better tellies. They’ll probably be totally interactive so you can shag Keeley Hawes in whatever crime drama she’s in now. 

Should I start stockpiling medicines I need?

Nah. We’re a plucky, ‘can do’ nation. Make your own medicines from whatever you’ve got in the house. A few aspirins here, a bit of Benylin there. If you’re still feeling peaky have a few pints in Spoons.

In any case, we survived the war. Missing a few heart attack pills is nothing to this bulldog race who laughed in the face of U-boat attacks.

Why do you keep irrelevantly and offensively mentioning the war?

Because it’s the finest moment in our proud island history. Also I don’t know any other history because the kings-and-queens rubbish on History channel hasn’t got tanks or the SS.

No, seriously, what if I lose my job?

What’s the problem? More time to spend in Spoons.

Next story ›