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So how exactly do tax cuts make the rich work harder? A CEO explains

THE budget supposedly benefits the rich at the expense of the ‘poor’. If you can call them that, they’ve got phones, shoes and running water, haven’t they? Anyway, here I explain why more money motivates wealthy people but not the povs.

We are job creators

Thanks to paying almost no tax, I feel so cheerful I have created jobs for my wife, my mistress, her layabout brother, the pretty girl who works at the bar at my golf club and my old uni wingman Hugo. They’re all useless, obviously, but how many jobs do nurses create? None. We need to sack a few to make the others more entrepreneurial.

We’re biologically different to the poor

If a poor person earns more, their natural reaction is to drink cheap cider and stay in bed till 4pm. It’s not their fault, it’s just how their primitive short-termist brains work. Whereas a high-achiever like me automatically starts thinking of profitable new ventures like charging our staff to use the toilets.

The lower our taxes are, the less we have to use tax avoidance schemes

I have to divert funds to offshore tax havens or the government will just fritter it on schools, diversity workshops and lesbian whales. It’s not the money, it’s the principle. Fortunately, Mr Sunak understands the problems of the super-rich and realises it’s better for wealthy people like me to keep our money in the UK and pay a very low rate of income tax, sometimes as much as £80 a year, which I do uncomplainingly.

Tax cuts incentivise us not to go on strike

If you think Tube workers going on strike is bad, imagine the effect if my management consultancy downed tools. The country would grind to a halt without us doing productive work like charging companies large sums of money to lay off a quarter of their staff. 

Tax cuts make us free to innovate

We are the innovators, the originators. Recent ideas of mine include ‘Verble’, a daily word puzzle game, ‘Sportify’, in which subscribers can watch sporting fixtures from around the world, and ‘ClikClok’, which does whatever TikTok does. Don’t ask me, I’m getting an unpaid intern to find out.

Imagine if Jeremy Corbyn was in charge

I’m not sure why the Labour leader of two years ago is relevant, but imagine. Just imagine. Terrible, isn’t it?

Six ways being a Brownie or Cub Scout made f**k all difference to your life

DID you spend an evening a week wearing a ridiculous uniform and trying to earn pointless badges? Here’s how being a girl or boy scout didn’t make you the better person it was meant to.

You have no skills

None of the activities are of any use in the real world, where picking up litter and building a bird box from old lolly sticks are not essential skills. It would have been more useful to train for a ‘When to swipe right’ badge or ‘How to cope with the horrors of being a parent’. Although getting your kids to piss off to Cubs or Brownies helps solve that that problem.

You never think of others 

You may have spent your Tuesday evenings in a freezing town hall promising to help others, but if it’s been a long day and there’s one seat left in the Tube carriage, pregnant women and the elderly can f**k off out of your way. You can’t be held responsible for promises made before your milk teeth had fallen out. They haven’t got a legal leg to stand on.

You don’t do your duty to God, let alone the Queen

You haven’t been to church since you pretended to be religious just so you could get married in a pretty one, and the closest you’ve come to respecting the Queen is binge-watching The Crown. Given how your life actually is now, pledging allegiance to Amazon and Cathedral City would have been more appropriate.

You don’t do your best

As a little Brownie you were encouraged to try your hardest, but as an adult you realise most things you do are meaningless and no matter how neatly you did a mosaic of a cat, trying your best all the time now will lead to a nervous breakdown. Maybe keep your hopelessly naive advice to yourself in future, Brown Owl?

You never go camping 

Even if you had time to go camping: why would you? No adult in their right mind would endure the dampness, being more tired than when you tried to go to sleep on a field full of stones, and your tentmates’ bodily gases. ‘Learning how to lie your way out of going camping’ would have been a badge worth having.

You’ve stayed in touch with nobody

So much for building lifelong bonds – you’re not in contact with any of your little scouting chums. Although admittedly all you had in common was living near a particular scout hut. Like ex members of a cult, you quietly hope never to run into each other again, particularly if they’re a weirdo who’s never grown out of it and now loves the power trip of running their own cub pack.

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