Shoppers urged to buy shit British vegetables instead

THE government is calling on shoppers to source more of their pointless, dreadful food from British farmers.

Environment secretary Owen Patterson said there was no need for Britain to import 40% of its fruit and vegetables when there was plenty of tasteless, watery rubbish being mass-produced on your doorstep.

Pointing at a bucket of tomatoes, he added: “It doesn’t matter where these are from, we all know they are going to be absolutely appalling. So why are you pissing your money up a Dutch wall?

“There are some very nice people in this country producing tomatoes in the sort of climate that does not produce good tomatoes. Help them.”

Mr Patterson then took a large bite out of a Welsh mango and burst into tears.

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Pitbull 'just does worst bits of his songs'

RAPPER Pitbull has admitted he only ever performs the shittest bits of his records.

Pitbull, who is currently at number one with erectile dysfunction anthem Timber, said: “I work with singers who have a smattering of talent, contributing the unlistenable bits between verses where I talk about how great I am.

“What can I say? It’s my calling.”

R&B singer Ne-Yo, real name Nelson Yo-Yo, said: “I assumed he was a studio technician, then when I came back from a smoke break he’d recorded awful raps all over my track.

“But they were so dire that when my chorus came in people were dancing and punching the air for sheer relief.

“That’s why we’re all so keen to work with Pitbull. He makes you seem ten times the artist you actually are.”

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