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Ryanair Passengers Pay Extra £10 Not To Be Blown Out Of The Sky

RAF fighter jets are being scrambled on a regular basis as part of a Ryanair scheme to make passengers pay a £10 surcharge for not being killed.

The company said rising fuel costs along with higher taxes and increased landing fees had forced it to extort an extra tenner on pain of fiery death.

Bill McKay, a passenger on board a Ryanair flight from Stansted to an airport about 200 miles from Rome, said: “About 10 minutes after take off, the pilot and his crew appeared in the aisle wearing parachutes and told us that if we did not cough up ten quid each an RAF Typhoon jet would fire something called an AMRAAM missile at us.

“There was a burst of laughter, but then the atmosphere changed as you could see people thinking to themselves, ‘fuck me, this is Ryanair’.

“The pilot then told us to look out of the right hand side where we would see Flight Lieutenant Julian Cook from 3F Squadron at RAF Coningsby.

“Sure enough there he was, flying alongside. He waved at us very cheerfully and then dragged his finger across his throat. And then he waved again.”

Passenger Tom Logan added: “The pilot said that unless we handed over the money the plane would descend to 20,000 feet where he and his crew would all jump out. Flight Lieutenant Cook was there just in case any of us got the idea that we could land the plane ourselves while receiving frantic instructions from a sweaty man in a control tower.

“At that point I asked if they took Visa Electron. Which they did.”

A Ryanair spokesman said the new charge had been introduced after chief executive Michael O’Leary got bored during a film.

The spokesman added: “He still thinks we should destroy at least one plane load of passengers just to prove we’re not to be trifled with.”

 

Tory Tax Cut Funded By Low Income Child Auction

THE Conservatives have pledged to reverse Labour's national insurance hike by selling no more than 1.5m of Britain's least important children.

The tax cut-child auction will form the centrepiece of the Tories' election campaign after anxious party chiefs urged shadow chancellor George Osborne to produce a populist policy that was also imaginatively cruel.

Under the bold plans children from households with an income of less than £22,500 a year will offered for sale via a series of online auctions, email newsletters and live events at some of Britain's biggest race courses.

Labour immediately attacked the policy, but leading economists stressed it will be difficult for any party to cut the deficit over the next four years without some sort of massive child sale.

Mr Osborne said: "Many of these children are pointless, dirty and rude. Nevertheless they do posses an underlying asset value that any responsible chancellor faced with historic levels of debt would be duty bound to exploit.

"And bear in mind, an increasing number of them are unbelievably fat, making them particularly attractive to foreign circus owners and Cambodian sweatshops keen to control their food-related overheads.

"We can say to these entrepreneurs 'look, it has good hands, sturdy legs and you won't need to give it a chocolate biscuit until Christmas'."

The policy is designed to appeal to middle income parents who are short of cash and have children that may one day be able to work for John Lewis or the customer services department of a UK-based telecommunications company.

Helen Archer, a swing voter from Peterborough, said: "I've insisted all along that I would not vote Tory unless they came up with a tax cut that allowed me to keep my babies. Bullseye."

Meanwhile, early bidders for Britain's army of under-performing youngsters are expected to include the Roman Catholic Church, the Nanjing Iron Ore Refinery and Kentucky Fried Children.

 

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