ENERGY companies have admitted that the words ‘price’ and ‘cap’ are just meaningless sounds they like to say every now and then.
With energy bills set to go up in October and then again in January, gas and electricity companies have admitted that the term ‘price cap’ is just random words they have no intention of acting upon.
Shell Energy spokesperson Nathan Muir said: “‘Price cap’ has always been a ridiculous nonsense term we all laughed at in the office, like Lewis Carroll’s ‘snark’ or ‘boojum’, but we managed not to let the cat out of the bag for decades.
“We used to say it every few months because you all looked so happy when we did. It made you feel all fuzzy and secure and you’d celebrate by ordering a takeaway. We might as well have said ‘vogon jiggle trapezoid’ for all it mattered.
“But when we looked up the words in the dictionary we were mortified. They had no correlation to any of our pricing strategies or business plans. An upper limit on how much we can wring out of you? That’s the complete opposite of what we’ve got in store.
“Think of it more as a cap that you wear on your head. One that you can take off whenever you feel like it. In our case, we’re going to be taking it off again and again from now until the end of time.”
BP boss Bernard Looney said: “It’s a similar deal with triple-lock pensions. Why do you need to secure retirement payments that many times? Just use one decent metaphorical lock instead of three shitty ones.”
