BRITAIN’S topless models have threatened to withdraw their thrilling tales of rump-pumpy from the News Of The World.
A consortium of leggy lovelies, busty beauties and the British Union of Stunnas have told the ‘newspaper’ they cannot continue to give them their five-times-a-night trade.
Nikki Hollis, a 24-year-old footballer’s convenience from Carlisle, said: “As a woman whose sole job is processing the genitalia of married men, I find their whole code of investigative conduct to be disgraceful and a complete anathema to my moral standards.
“And I’ve been in a Travelodge with half a Championship relegation side plugging away at me.”
Revelations over naughty romps are thought to be the News of the World’s main source of income as millions of Britain’s semi-conscious buy it to raise a doughy semi reading about bodily fluid exchange on rented bedsheets while eating their cornflakes.
Martin Bishop, professor of paying people and then turning on a tape recorder at Roehampton University, said: “The three sides of their triangle of ‘journalism’ – if I can pump that particular word with eight thousand more gallons of slurry for just a moment – are interviews with footballers, sexposés and hating paedophiles.
“By quite literally downing tools, glamour models have put the whole paper at risk of collapsing into a heap of insulting innuendo, hatred and Dan Wootton.
“It’s a chain of moral revulsion that will eventually see the entire country shun the News of the World until all you’re left with is a dense core of raw scum comprising of Rebekah Brooks having dinner with David Cameron while a private investigator films it through her hedge.”
The lucrative sexcapade industry is considering where to market its next hump and a number of national newspapers are said to be watching out for who knows how to pleasure a woman or is a two-minute flop with interest.
Hollis said: “Talks with the Independent On Sunday are looking very promising, although obviously they’ll have to present my jizz-wrangling as a Johann Hari opinion-piece on the politics of celebrity testicles.”
