subscribe
/ Sign Out

McDonald's identifies potentially lucrative 'bereaved kid' demographic

A MCDONALD’S marketing meeting has decided that bereaved children will probably want some burgers.

The fast food chain’s new ‘dead dad’ advert is the result of a discussion during which executives decided that they should go after children who might be a bit peckish following a personal loss.

McDonald’s marketing executive Tom Booker said: “Not only are bereaved kids looking to fill a void in their lives, they’ve also probably been given a fiver or even a tenner by their remaining relatives to cheer them up a bit.

“They may even have just gotten an inheritance, which they could be looking to spend on burgers and those fucked-up things we call ‘apple pies’.”

The McDonald’s television advert features a mother explaining to her son how his recently-deceased dad loved to eat ‘filet-o-fish’ burgers, causing some to speculate if this may actually have caused his death.

28-year-old Nathan Muir said: “I lost my dad when I was 11. He ate an especially hot McDonald’s apple pie and then exploded in the middle of a packed restaurant.

“There was apple lava all over the walls.”

All craft beer tastes of metal

EVERY single fancy beer just tastes like a different type of metal, it has been confirmed.

An independent panel of food and drink experts has confirmed that red ales taste the most of metal, IPAs taste like tin, and every beer from Belgium is like licking a scaffolding pole.

Ignoring brewers’ claims about their beer tasting of apricots, chocolate or lemons, their notes contained descriptions including ‘brass’, ‘aluminium’ and ‘whatever it is they use to make drawing pins’.

Head of the panel Carolyn Ryan said: “Back palate, front palate, whatever. It’s all the same. Go on, have a swig of this and tell me it’s not like accidentally biting your spoon.”

The panel also found that all wine tastes like bits of wood, and all truffles smell like gas.

Next story ›