A MAN working night shifts as a security guard and driving a 16-year-old Fiat Punto has abandoned plans to buy a Jaguar F-Type because the brand is now woke.
51-year-old Wayne Hayes of Colchester had always pictured himself behind the wheel of a luxury sports car, but the recent rebrand means he is now envisaging driving a Porsche or Alfa Romeo to his minimum wage position instead.
He said: “This is what happens when you turn against your loyal customers. Go woke go broke, Jaguar.
“Just look at those multi-racial models. How can they expect a man like me, suffering the classic mid-life crisis while living in a flat above a kebab shop, to shell out £87,000 now? I don’t feel seen.
“What happened to aspiration? Where’s the appeal to their traditional audience who likes to flick through an old issue of Top Marques in the hut on a cold night when I’ve done everything in the Puzzler? It’s not that I’ve abandoned them. They’ve abandoned me.
“No, from now on when I tell the lads in Spoons what car I’m going for when my lottery numbers come up, it’ll be the Porsche 992 or that one Daniel Craig drove in the last film where he died. Until then I’ll stick with the Punto. It’s only got 165,000 miles on it so it’ll last a while yet.”
He added: “Mind you, electric charging would come in handy because I’ve got my mate Andy to fiddle my meter.”
