subscribe
/ Sign Out

Amazon detractors forced to admit that Saudi Royal family is just slightly worse

PEOPLE who have been complaining about the evils of Amazon for years have been forced to admit that the Saudi Arabian Royal family might just have the edge. 

Following claims that Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman hacked Amazon boss Jeff Bezos’s phone, critics have compared the two hugely powerful organisations and found Amazon not the worst offender.

Employment laywer Susan Traherne said: “Amazon’s warehouse conditions are virtual slavery. But, you know, not quite actual slavery. Like a wage is paid.

“And yes, it’s dystopian the way they harvest our data and force other stores out of business and all that, but compared to dismembering a journalist that suddenly doesn’t seem so bad.

“There is a human cost to getting a new charger cable delivered by 9pm that day, but then there’s running a whole country where women are treated as chattel, imprisoned and tortured.

“Plus Osama bin Laden and most of the September 11 hijackers were Saudi, and nobody’s even tried to pin that on Amazon. They still mainly did books then.”

She concluded: “So ultimately Saudi Arabia is worse. But there’s still nothing to watch on Prime.”

Sajid Javid's f**kwitted guide to how things work

CHANCELLOR of the Exchequer Sajid Javid may not know how trade with the EU works, but it doesn’t end there. Here he answers more questions about the world around us: 

How do toilets flush?

Water pressure. The water in the toilet tank is incredibly compressed, so when you flush it rushes through with such force it smashes your excreta into tiny pieces invisible to the naked eye. It’s still there though, so change your toilet water every month with a cup and a bucket, as I do.

If we’re descended from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?

The benefits system. Thanks to overly generous government handouts monkeys have become too lazy to evolve into humans. Our government will put a stop to this and make them work for their bananas.

How do massive planes with tiny wings stay in the sky?

Hot things rise, and the sun heats up planes on the runway until they float upwards, like steam from a kettle. They’re too cold to float at night, which is why you never see them in the sky, just UFOs.

Who invented the computer? 

Stephen Hawking, because he needed a way to tell people about black holes. His groundbreaking work was then adapted by top Brexit scientists desperate to inform the public about ridiculous EU regulations the media kept secret. Within days, the internet and Facebook were born.

Where do flies go in winter? 

Back to the EU. There were no flies in the UK before 1973, but since then freedom of movement has allowed them to feast on British dog turds that rightfully belong to indigenous insects like squirrels.

Next story ›