THE Oscar nominations are out, and moviegoers worldwide are once again baffled that Dwayne Johnson has been overlooked. But are any worth watching?
Emilia Pérez, 13 nominations
Movie about a Mexican drug lord who changes gender to avoid capture but, contrary to the expectations raised by that summary, not a hilarious Mrs Doubtfire-style farcical romp where the head of the CIA falls for her.
Verdict: it’s been on Netflix since October. You’re bored shitless every night of the week. If you even slightly fancied it you’d have watched it by now.
Wicked, 10 nominations
First half of a musical about The Wizard of Oz with one memorable song they keep interrupting. Main talking point for audiences is that Ariana Grande is going out with that Munchkin.
Verdict: sort of like the Rod Hull and Emu show where they were in the Pink Windmill, but without any tune as catchy as There’s Somebody At The Door.
The Brutalist, 10 nominations
Three-and-a-half hour film about an architect. To go over the salient points again, three-and-a-half hours long and about an architect.
Verdict: if you are in any doubt about whether you would watch this film, please read the above aloud while looking in a mirror and closely observing your own facial expression.
Conclave, eight nominations
Thriller about cardinals electing a new Pope. But not so much of a thriller that the cardinals run across the roof of a moving train battling bad guys with burning thuribles.
Verdict: ever wondered how a Pope gets chosen? No.
The Substance, five nominations
Horror film with Demi Moore in. Survivors of the 1990s might remember the insane hype any film starring Demi Moore, from Indecent Proposal to Striptease, routinely received and how disappointing they all were. Probably the same.
Verdict: certainly, once it’s on streaming.
Dune: Part Two, five nominations
Is that in the Oscars, is it? It’s ages since that came out. He’s going out with that Kylie Jenner now. Imagine the fuss if he’d had an on-set affair with Zendaya. It’d be the Gen Z Pitt-Aniston-Jolie triangle all over again.
Verdict: seen it.
