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They wouldn't let me queue-jump even though I have anxiety: A Gen-Z recounts the distress of attending a gig

GRACE Wood-Morris, a 17-year-old who attended a pretty average pop concert, tells the story as if it was her very own Battle of the Somme: 

“I was initially excited to attend a gig by one of my favourite pop stars off of TikTok. But I was unprepared for the awful reality of being in a space with other human beings.

“When Melanie Martinez announced she would be in the UK I knew this would be the defining moment of my entire life, and told my mum so. But now I don’t know how I’ll ever recover.

“Because of my anxiety and dyscalculia, self-diagnosed, I panic-bought six tickets. Luckily, I was able to sell five of them for good profit, which helps because I am literally not able to work because of school.

“The venue allowed people to queue from 4am, but because I have a sleep pattern imposed on me by my parents which is essentially colonialism, I overslept and only got there at 9am. Other people were ahead of me even though I’m a bigger fan.

“I explained my structural disadvantages to them and why I needed to be at the front but they looked at me like I was mad, which is totally ableist.

“When I finally got into the venue, there were people literally standing around really aggressively, not letting me move to the front. The worst part is they were adults. I don’t have proof, but I believe some were over 30 and should have their laptops seized.

“Even when I made it to the front, as a minor standing by to a woman taller than me I felt the whole situation wildly inappropriate and it shook me to the point I couldn’t remember the lyrics and looked as if I was not a real fan. I am considering legal action.

“If changes are not made in future, I will be boycotting. It’s all there on my TikTok so Ms Martinez has no excuse for not taking action.

“She has a duty of care to come out and condemn all the people who ruined my experience individually, and by name, before performing her next gig. She literally owes me that.”

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I will change government policy for a good quality men's jacket. By Keir Starmer

By Sir Keir Starmer, Labour leader and prime minister of the United Kingdom

I REALLY need a winter coat, so if you’d like to buy me one – a £950 Canada Goose would allow me to do my job effectively – then pick the law you don’t like. 

Or choose the policy you’d like to change. This isn’t corruption because it’s simply identifying problems that hadn’t occurred to me until you pointed them out. It’s a consultation exercise.

So there’s the jacket. And a few other necessities, like designer frames, a PlayStation 5 for the kids and Victoria’s circled a number of items from the Stella McCartney autumn collection. That’s very much for the British nation because we’d all prefer she looks nice.

Why can’t I buy my own jacket, given a salary of £167,000 and millions in assets? Because it all adds up. Taylor Swift tickets here, a personal shopper there and suddenly you’re down 50 grand.

And I regret I can’t change literally any government policy you want. Impoverished pensioners can’t club together and get a U-turn on winter fuel by buying me a Harrods hamper.

That would look weak, and that’s the last thing you want when you’re dealing with the poorest and most vulnerable in society. The rich and well-protected, by contrast, I’m happy to cater to the whims of.

If you suddenly find yourself in the newspapers, don’t be concerned. It’s not bribery because bribes are cash, like paying a builder. This is more of a spontaneous gift showing your support for Labour’s traditional working-class values.

And if your values are privatising healthcare, attracting foreign capital or seeing Taylor Swift twice, they might coincidentally turn out to be Labour’s values too. I would like a holiday.

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