BOOBS are usually a quick, easy way to get eyes staring at screens, but these films treated them as though they are nothing more than anatomy:
The pagan sex scene, Midsommar (2019)
Who knew sex with a young female Swedish pagan would be so unsexy? Perhaps it’s the naked old women standing around chanting. Perhaps it’s the film being overlong and predictable. Perhaps you were disappointed because Florence Pugh was on the poster. There’s always Oppenheimer, if you can face that slog.
The shower scene in Starship Troopers (1997)
Living in a militaristic fascist future dystopia is made more tolerable with mixed-sex showers frequented by Dina Meyer, the one who isn’t Denise Richards. However male masturbators had to surmount the challenge of Casper Van Dien’s admittedly shapely arse and Jake Busey’s freakishly large teeth.
The defibrillator scene in The Abyss (1989)
Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio’s topless, yes, but after drowning and while being resuscitated. The glimpse is brief, her torso’s convulsing from 1,000V jolts, and Ed Harris is begging her not to die in an utterly heart-wrenching way. Thanks Ed. You really ruined that scene.
Some bollocks in Barbarella (1968)
After a whole movie’s worth of teasing, you do get to see Jane Fonda’s right breast as she takes receipt of the Durand Durand detector. It’s honestly not worth explaining. By now you’ll be so ground down by this plotless cult classic you may as well be ogling Henry Fonda.
The ‘classy’ topless Vegas show, Showgirls (1995)
The topless Las Vegas extravaganza Elizabeth Berkley will do anything to be in is, frankly, shit. It’s all jerky, regimented, Janet Jackson-style dance moves reminiscent of car factory robots. If you find this erotic, save yourself the bother of deleting porn sites from your browsing history and just watch Nissan promotional videos.
Renton getting laid in Trainspotting (1996)
After a dry spell caused by his absorbing hobby of heroin, Ewan McGregor goes home with Kelly Macdonald. Half the audience had read the book and knew her character was still at school. The fairly explicit sex scene is thus an awkward watch, made less sexy by Renton later pointing out when nonces go to prison ‘they cut your balls off and flush them down the toilet’.
Breastfeeding a hare, Starve Acre (2023)
Atmospheric but slow Brit folk horror enlivened by Morfydd Clark (best known as Galadriel, in the unpopular Amazon Tolkien) breastfeeding a weird-looking wild hare possessed by an evil nature spirit. It’s undoubtedly the strangest scene featuring either breasts or the lepus species unless there’s a hardcore alternate cut of Watership Down.
