A GROUP of natural Tories have warned Labour to run the country in their best interests or every one of them will have left the country by Friday. 

A major investment summit in London, hosted by the prime minister, prompted the assembled rich people to demand that everything be run exactly how they would like it or they are gone.

Norman Steele, managing director of a UK construction company, told Labour: “You’ve been elected. So time to drop all this workers’ rights bollocks.

“To be attractive as an investment, your workers need to have no employment rights whatsoever, no minimum wage, none of this health and safety shite and a fatalistic acceptance of workplace death. That’s what we had in the 1800s.”

Property owner Eleanor Shaw said: “Any country where I can’t throw tenants out at a moment’s notice because I want a rent increase is a basket case. It’s bad for landlords, bad for the property market and bad for tenants.

“If this isn’t dropped smartish I, and the dozens of homes I rent out across the West Midlands, are moving to Dubai. They know how to treat a terraced house from Dudley there.”

Keir Starmer said: “I’m only calling your bluff because I love you so very, very much.”