WATCHING TV should be an opportunity to relax into mindless, slack-jawed oblivion, but that’s difficult if you’re sat next to one of these irritating knobheads.
The chatterbox
This person spews forth a constant barrage of inane witterings, usually at moments that are crucial to understanding the plot. If they aren’t wondering where they’ve seen that actor before, they’re talking you drearily through their day and paying no attention to what’s happening on screen. Tell them to shut up or piss off.
The researcher
Is it really necessary to know the age, marital status, and previous work of every single actor in the show? Is it vital to cross-reference IMDb pages to find out if the second assistant producer was the same as in the film you watched yesterday? No. It just ruins everyone else’s enjoyment of what would otherwise be a moderately entertaining way to switch off after a hard day.
The snoozer
As soon as the film begins they drift off, only to wake up 40 minutes later demanding a scene-by-scene recap of what they have missed. After you’ve finished regurgitating the plot and they’ve asked ‘Who’s that?’ 17 times, they’ll fall asleep again, rendering all your explanations pointless.
The pedant
This person gets a big kick from pointing out continuity errors and anachronisms because it makes them feel clever. It will be even worse if they have a special interest in a particular period of history and you have to listen to them bang on about how the hansom cab wasn’t actually used in New York until after 1882 while trying to enjoy the sexy bits in The Gilded Age.
The fidgeter
Whether they’re constantly checking their phone, jiggling their legs or shovelling crisps into their face, this person is a huge source of irritation. There’s only so long you can put up with someone clipping their toenails in your peripheral vision until you lose your shit and tell them to bugger off to the bathroom. At which point the fidgeter will ask you to rewind the last bit as they missed it due to you being a grumpy f**ker.
