DIRECTOR Nick Love is back with yet another football hooligan film, Marching Powder. Everyone loves footie thug movies, especially women, so which is best for date night with your beloved?
Awaydays, 2009
Centring on Tranmere Rovers hooligans in 1979, it’s more about the theme of finding an identity than mindless violence. If that sounds boring, it is, and the mindless violence is much better. If you’re getting impatient with all the ‘plot’ and ‘characterisation’, do stick with it because there’s a good slashing at the end. Date night rating: 5
The Football Factory, 2004
The Daddy of hooligan films. It’s not exactly a film classic, but it’s entertaining enough and has the most honest message of the genre: blokes do it because it’s a buzz. As such, female partners should be able to watch it with only about 20 or so negative comments, eg. ‘Oh God is this a Danny Dyer film?’, ‘Those are obviously rubber bricks’ and ‘How much more is there left of this?’. All of which are high female praise for a football hooligan film. Date night rating: 7
Rise of the Footsoldier, 2007
A rich tapestry of unpleasantness. Tied into the real ‘Essex Boys’ gangland killings, it follows the interesting life choices of bodybuilder Carlton Leach as he progresses from hooligan to drug dealer while suffering from bouts of roid rage. If none of these sound like girl-friendly themes, tell your sweet it’s a true crime drama like on Netflix and she’ll be on that sofa in a millisecond. Date night rating: 5
The Rise & Fall of a White Collar Hooligan, 2012
The intriguing title is unfortunately misleading, with only a tiny bit of football aggro followed by a cheapo film about the not-very-cinematic crime of credit card cloning. Great if your partner is nostalgic for crap Britflicks that used to clog up the DVD bargain bins at Blockbuster before mercifully being sent to landfill. Date night rating: 1
Green Street, 2005
A big selling point is perennial female favourite Elijah Wood. Unfortunately that’s the only good thing about it. It’s a horribly unrealistic portrayal of hooligans (one is an airline pilot) and Britain in general (a country without police, apparently). Particularly painful is Charlie Hunnam, who says things like ‘Yor evvin a bubble!’ in a genuinely upsetting Cockney accent. If your partner loves you enough to watch this bollocks you’ve found ‘the one’. Date night rating: 5 (for Frodo)
The Firm, 1989 (Alan Clarke version)
Your girlfriend can’t complain about this because it’s an important historical document about the ‘intercity crews’ the media went mental over in the 1980s. If only Avanti West Coast had existed then; they’d all have been stuck at Euston or Crewe. It features a very good performance from Gary Oldman, and a memorable scene in which his child has a chew on the Stanley Knife he’s left lying around. So a handy childcare tip there if you and your partner ever have kids. Date night rating: 6
The Firm, 2009 (Nick Love version)
Your girlfriend can’t complain about this because it’s got fashion in it. Admittedly it’s frighteningly horrible fashion – the protagonist wears a Tacchini tracksuit topped off with a bowl haircut that makes him look like a Playmobil figure. But fashion is fashion, so it’s really no different to The Devil Wears Prada, and she loved that. Date night rating: 5
Riot, 2017 (Also released as ‘GBH’, but you probably knew that)
A copper with a dodgy past as a hooligan finds himself with conflicted loyalties, in a tale as old as time. Only tangentially a hooligan film, and mainly about the London Riots, which were apparently smaller and a lot cheaper-looking than Londoners might remember. Date night rating: 2
The Hooligan Factory, 2014
In the mood for a bit of comedy? This is technically one, insofar as it contains events and dialogue that are intended to be funny. It’s perhaps a little too reliant on spoofing obvious hooligan film tropes and The Football Factory in particular. However your girlfriend should get all the references if she’s already threatened to dump you if you make her watch ‘another f**king football hooligan film’. Date night rating: 0
