subscribe
/ Sign Out

Sky Unveils Plans For 'Oil Relief' Day

SKY television is to devote an entire day of programming to the growing threats faced by the international oil industry.

Presented by Denise Van Outen, the 16 hour spectacular will explore the proud history of oil and expose the unwashed communists who want to ruin your lives.

The event kicks off with the one-hour special Without It You'd Die in Agony. Billed as a light-hearted guide to the everyday uses of the world's favourite substance, it will include a thrilling demonstration of how quickly oil can help to ignite thousands of annoying trees.

The Greatest Men in the History of the World will profile heroes of the oil trade including John D Rockefeller, the man who bought his own personal army of midgets and paid US Presidents to dance, and King Faisal of Saudi Arabia, the founder of Islamic fundamentalism who once devoured a baby elephant using a giant golden spoon.

Meanwhile the tedious environmental Marxist George Monbiot will be the subject of an hour long profile, The Man Who Was Very Boring and Had a Very Tiny Cock.

In The Fuel of God, Roy Hobbs, Professor of Theology at the University of Texas, will reveal the coded messages in the Bible which warn of pestilence and plague if man turns his back on petroleum distillate, while The Carbon Files will reveal how CO2 emissions make you taller and more attractive to sophisticated foreign women.

The day will end with a screening of Armageddon followed by the episode of Dallas where Cliff Barnes thinks he has finally got one over on JR only for JR to turn the tables on him at the last minute and call him a loser.

A Sky spokesman said: "Some broadcasters feel they have a duty to be impartial when it comes to these issues. Well, over here at Sky we're pretty bloody partial. Would you like some petrol vouchers?"

Teenage Boozers Thoroughly Enjoying Themselves

TEENAGE binge drinkers are having a great time getting totally wrecked with their mates and generally having a huge laugh, a new study has found.

The underage boozers were found to have a 60 per cent higher risk of giggling uncontrollably at something really daft while sitting in a park with a bottle of Cinzano Bianco.

The chances of being invited to a house party in a posh suburb, raiding the drinks cabinet, getting some snogs, dancing wildly to really repetitive music, and then doing a poo in the middle of the front room before leaving were all vastly increased.

Dr Wayne Hayes, head of teenage studies at Dundee University, said the research was incontrovertible proof that modern teenagers were drinking loads, going out all the time having fun, and getting tons of sex. “The bastards,” he added.

“I am sure they are storing up the problems for the future. They better be, otherwise I wasted all my teenage years cramming for my exams when I could have been out getting pissed and shagging,” he said.

Bobby Timms, 15, of Belshill, Lanarkshire, said he had never had so much fun in his life until he discovered the delights of Mad Dog 20/20 mixed with some additive rich Sunny Delight to encourage “a nice bit of the old hyper-activity” with his girlfriend.

However, he denied that modern teenage life was a constant whirl of drink, partying and sex. “It’s much, much better than that, granddad,” he said.

Meanwhile, Tory leader David Cameron has promised to take every 16 year-old in Britain to the pub and buy them a pint to encourage them to act more like adults.

He said: “We want our teenagers to feel they are an integral part of British society. They can’t really do that unless they are disinterested and half-pissed most of the time like the rest of us.”

Mr Timms added: “What a fucking creep.”

Next story ›