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Six pop hits that make no f**king sense whatsoever

POP songs needn’t be great art, but as you’re writing lyrics they might as well make sense. These artists just said ‘f**k it’: 

The Reflex by Duran Duran

Simon Le Bon specialised in gibberish but usually there was a mood, an idea, a hot girl in the video. The lyrics to this exist purely because songs need words, but still everyone over 40 knows ‘the reflex is a lonely child who’s waiting by the park’. Why? Is he locked out waiting for his mum to get back from work?

Dance Hall Days by Wang Chung

A man takes his partner and does outlandish things to her. Is the stuffing of jewels in her mouth and eyes a metaphor? Pulling her ears and playing on her greatest fears? Doesn’t sound great. And taking someone by the heel is a judo move.

Raspberry Infundibulum by the Shamen

For those who don’t know, an infundibulum is a funnel-shaped cavity. So is ‘here I come for her raspberry infundibulum’ a very strange reference to sex? Or is the singer imagining himself a hummingbird? Also a tube connecting the hypothalamus and pituitary gland, so it’s about drugs. A pop song that needs a medical degree to understand.

Champagne Supernova by Oasis

The narrator will, apparently, one day be found ‘beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky’. Sounds like they need a structural engineer to assess the subsidence risk of this pyroclastic aerial sparkling wine explosion.

Wooly Bully by Sam the Sham & the Pharaohs

In truth most 50s lyrics were just sounds made with the mouth. This one leads with a feared apparition with horns and a woollen jaw to which the riposte is to dance and ‘not be L-seven’.

Firestarter by The Prodigy

The clown in the sewer has a thesaurus and is employing multiple synonyms. He is attempting to intimidate. It’s a novel approach. Luckily the track is f**king banging.

'Charity begins at home' and other self-serving proverbs for twats

WANT to live a selfish twat’s life and looking for some homespun wisdom to support it? These little sayings should help: 

‘Charity begins at home’

Perfect for every occasion. Disagree with foreign aid? Couldn’t give a f**k about the homeless? Would rather keep a quid than pop it in the box of a woman collecting for dogs? You’ve got a catch-all excuse. Charity is you having all your money for you.

‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’

True, but you’re not asking for Rome. You’re asking for flat-pack furniture to be put together and instead it’s still in its box against the wall six months in. It’s not Rome, it’s a Ravaror day-bed and a Kallax shelving unit and it would take two hours.

‘A problem shared is a problem halved’

Usually said by a boss who’s dumped their problem in your bloody lap and left it for you to sort out. It’s halved for them. It’s an entirely new and very unwelcome problem for you.

‘Better late than never’

‘I’m on my way’, your twat mate texts as she steps into the shower. ‘Nearly there’, she texts as she gets on the train. ‘Better late than never’, she chuckles as she arrives an hour late. Technically yes. Actually by this point you hate her.

‘You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs’

F**ked something up? Use this. Available for workmen who’ve smashed into your gatepost while reversing out, employers who don’t give a shit that your new hours bugger up your childcare, or politicians arguing for new, shit policies. The omelette is what they want and the eggs are what you want.

‘All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy’

Quoted by that dick in every office who wastes all day on Fantasy Football or whatever. Their colleagues would much prefer a dull boy who pulled their weight and got on with the job, instead of someone who pisses about.

‘The customer is always right’

Beloved of every arrogant customer demanding bullshit of beleaguered shop workers. In fact the customer is rarely right. The customer is, in actuality, a complete pain in the arse making the lives of poor bastards working long hours for low wages a misery.

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