GREAT films have always featured naked cuties, but there are some nude scenes you’d like to permanently unsee, such as these:
Get Carter
For some reason it’s rarely mentioned that Get Carter features Michael Caine starkers, albeit it in a grim Newcastle back-to-back and he’s threatening someone with a shotgun. More erotic fun follows in the form of a grainy underage porno starring Jack’s niece. Then Jack kills everyone. Maybe stick with Ryan Reynolds films to get your partner in the mood.
Caligula
Not Malcolm McDowell’s finest hour. Whatever erotic value it has is drowned in a sea of bollocks. Long after you’ve forgotten the Penthouse Pets added later to boost sales, you’ll be puzzling over the ‘decapitation wall’, a huge stone wall with rotating blades at the base that trundles forward to lop off the heads of buried victims. Did the Romans have the technology for that? Wasn’t it a bit of a waste of resources? Did they even do a cost/benefit analysis?
Antichrist
Includes violent sex, an injured man ejaculating blood and a clitoridectomy, but the grimmest scene is the opening one. A couple is having sex. So far so good. Then the shagging is spliced with their toddler approaching an upstairs window and plunging to his death. Strangely, Lars von Trier has yet to win any ‘Feelgood Movie of the Year’ awards.
Flesh Gordon
Plenty of nudity in this 1974 spoof. However it’s all in cheap-looking space settings, which is incredibly distracting unless you’re a masturbator with a laser-like focus on tits and muff. It’s also not worth slogging through the unfunny comedy. Examples: ‘Flesh’ and Dale visit the planet Porno. Their rocket looks like a penis. Dr Hans Zarkov becomes Dr Hans Jerkoff. And so on. Probably hilarious if you’re 10, apart from the fact that you’ll be taken into care.
Showgirls
The swimming pool sex scene has been criticised before, but it’s worth emphasising just how bad it is. Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle McLachlan go at it frantically like a vat of cod being electrocuted, and even that’s too erotic a description. Imagine Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown having sex with a bucket of chicken guts and you’re nearer the mark.
Calendar Girls
Very little nudity but your imagination will fill in the blanks, which could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how much you fancy Celia Imrie. What’s problematic about Calendar Girls is that it’s another twee, ‘quintessentially English’ film product, in the same way that someone is probably trying to get a Captain Tom movie off the ground. Still, there won’t be any nudity in that… will there?
