OF all the music genres, heavy metal remains the most shameful. Whether death, black or thrash, you’ll look a knob for listening to it:
The heavy metal look
Traditionally denim, leather and long hair, like the Hell’s Angels everyone was scared of in the 1960s. Fine in theory, but your average 14-year-old metal fan travels by bus not Harley and has lank hair, spots and an Iron Maiden ‘Eddie’ patch on his back, rounding off the look with glasses.
Dark themes
Leaving Satanism for later, these tend to include death, madness and social deviancy, with thousands of albums called things like Reign In Blood, Screaming for Vengeance, or Diary of a Madman. Luckily it’s all a juvenile fantasy because actual mental illness isn’t much fun.
You can’t shag to it
Most music recognises that it’s required as a backdrop to getting it on, but big hairy blokes screaming about demon semen burning the world does not work for that. And metal fans don’t look like they’re getting any. Maybe women don’t see socially dysfunctional blokes in Slipknot T-shirts as solid long-term prospects.
The guitar solos
Metal tends to prefer solos that are fast to solos that are good. So no Dave Gilmours or Eric Claptons, just Yngwie Malmsteem playing like it’s a race. Clearly that’s where Hendrix went wrong – if he’d hammered out a blizzard of notes and called it Psychomaniac Slaughter Spree he’d still be remembered today.
The spandex era
It’s surprising people didn’t spontaneously blind themselves after witnessing Kiss in spandex with platform boots, permed hair and clown makeup. Other bands followed suit until, presumably, they all had a road to Damascus moment and said: ‘Oh no. I look a right twat.’
The Spinal Tap sexy vs sexist problem
Metal definitely prefers slutty biker chicks, slutty stripper chicks and slutty vampire chicks to real women. Motley Crue had a competition to see how long they could go without washing and still sleep with unfortunate groupies. Metal fans have enough obstacles to overcome to have sex; why add sexism to the list?
Satanism
The bands love Satanic imagery but never knuckle down to the hard graft of sacrificing virgins. This isn’t the problem though, it’s that God and Satan are inextricably linked. Believing in Satan means believing in God, which makes the mosh pit at Sepultura like old ladies going to church.
