NETFLIX, tirelessly searching for a new lowest common denominator, has made a film called Hot Frosty about a snowman who f**ks. The plots of these as confusing as their target demographics:
Riding Rudolph
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. That is until one foggy Christmas eve, when Vixen catches a glimpse of something glowing a bright and unholy red from within his stall, and it isn’t his nose. Both transformed to humans by Santa for a spurious reason, she’s soon letting him guide her metaphorical sleigh.
50 Shades of Red
Bachelor Kris Kringle might get round the world in one night, but his temper and frozen home means he can’t keep a woman around any longer than that. Enter ‘Missus’, the new broad in town who’s heating the North Pole right up – so long as he can handle white furry handcuffs and a candy caning.
Elf Off The Shelf
A live-action Elf on the Shelf movie with a millennial twist; it’s a moving, Call Me By Your Name-inspired arthouse film examining real queer lives. A couple’s secret love is hindered by the space between their shelves, 1980s heteronormativity and their inability to pull each other off without their bells jingling.
Eight Sweaty Nights
It’s not just Christians that are catered for. In our modern world, Hanukkah gets its moment of spiritually-confused steaminess too. An estranged couple have to rekindle their spark or that oil won’t burn all eight nights and, just to raise the stakes, Judaism will be doomed forever.
How the Grinch Throupled Christmas
The Grinch can’t steal Christmas today, not when his heart has been stolen by Martha May Who and Betty Lou Who. But can the Whos drop their rivalry long enough to discover that there’s enough Christmas love to go round? After all, there’s a reason that heart can grow three sizes.
He’s Behind You
The rear end of a pantomime horse falls deeply in love with the front end, even though he has never seen her from the front or above the waist and she is of a higher acting class than him. He begins writing her beautiful cards which she never suspects could be from her own back half, until he satisfies her sexually during the matinee.
