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Reading vs Glastonbury: what are the differences?

THE Reading Festival takes place this weekend, but what makes it so different from Glastonbury? We run down the differences.

Location

Glastonbury: Nestled among bucolic hills in Somerset on a site that’s a working farm most of the year, near the mystical Glastonbury Tor

Reading: Held in Reading and Leeds, two leading shitholes at opposite ends of England

Music

Glastonbury: Alternative acts dancing on stage barefoot, scattering flowers, singing about ley lines and the fey folk while the audience holds hands and smokes weed

Reading: Alternative acts stalking on stage in black leather unleashing punishing riffs in songs about hating the world and themselves while the audience smokes hash cut with diesel oil

Vibe

Glastonbury: Acceptance for everyone; whether middle class, upper middle class or upper class, you’ll find kindred spirits here and go home with marvellous new contacts

Reading: Loathing for everyone, whether indie kids, metalheads, bikers or the innocent, they all deserve what’s coming to them in the mosh pit. And by festival’s end all is the mosh pit

Stages

Glastonbury: A dizzying number, with every kind of act performing to suit every taste from pop to jazz to African drumming, all to be stumbled upon by the chemically enlightened

Reading: Seven, and one of them’s comedy so doesn’t count. The others are all a mix of guitar noise, hardcore rap, banging dance and extremely antisocial bastards

Toilets

Glastonbury: A lot better than they used to be. The dreaded long drop is a thing of the past

Reading: Pissing in a bottle and throwing it at Catfish and the Bottlemen

Environment

Glastonbury: Proudly plastic-free

Reading: Encourages re-use of plastic bottles by pissing in them and throwing them at Catfish and the Bottlemen

After-hours entertainment

Glastonbury: A dazzling array of nightclubs, dance tents and cabaret acts to take you on a magical journey until dawn at the stone circle

Reading: Rubbish fires throughout the site attended by aggressive bastards f**ked up on bad drugs. Sunday night is extra terrifying because the toilets are set on fire too

Worth going?

Glastonbury: No

Reading: No

Five great comments to store and use against your partner at a later date

COUPLES must be careful what they say or recriminations will follow. Here are five statements to guilt-trip your partner with – or which might be dredged up and used against you months later.

‘You’re just like your mother/father”

This could spark a thermonuclear row then and there. But also a great comment to sit on until you need some ammunition. Comparing you to the man or woman who brought you up at least adequately is not a problem. But your parent might also be boring, tight, nosy, judgemental, outright vindictive or love your sibling more than you. That’s a good kick in the teeth for your partner, and you’re also implying they’re old.

‘You look fine’

Normally dropped at the hectic time of you both leaving the house. ‘Fine’ is obviously damning your partner with faint praise, when it should be ‘gorgeous’, ‘beautiful’, ‘terrific’ or ‘handsome’. A near-silent journey to wherever you’re going will follow, then a row several hours later when the whole thing blows up in everyone’s face. A classic.

‘Of course you can go out’

This concession is normally given about three weeks before the actual event. If you’re really organised you should record it on your phone as evidence for when the eventual interrogation arrives. Because three weeks later saying ‘I’m going out tonight’ will be met with ‘You never told me…’. One of you is wrong, and the seething resentment will last while you go out and still be there when you get back. A real slow-burner.

‘We’ll have sex later’

Postponing a bit of how’s-your-father is bound to leave someone’s feelings hurt. And chances are it means ‘We’re not going to have sex at all’. The disgruntled partner will be disappointed, frustrated and pretty sure it constitutes breaking a verbal contract. And they’ll moan about it. If no sex is likely, probably just best to say so and at least they’ll know QI will be as exciting as the evening gets.

‘And you ask whether I’m annoyed with you’

If the question is ‘Are you annoyed with me?’ obviously the answer is ‘yes’. Just asking it will lead to an outpouring of your vile behaviour, from thinking your partner is stupid to never washing the cheese grater. However it’s worth remembering the follow-up, ‘And you ask whether I’m annoyed with you. What do you think?’ as it’s a great one to have in the armoury.

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