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Porn is disgusting, says woman reading erotic vampire fiction

A WOMAN has condemned pornography whilst simultaneously poring over a book where the heroine is constantly being railed by an undead creature.

Joanna Kramer believes porn is disturbing and unrealistic, unlike the romance novels she reads where a woman gets penetrated by a man who shouldn’t have a functioning circulatory system, and then orgasms repeatedly at the slightest touch.

Joanna said: “Watching porn is a terrible habit that gives men strange expectations about what real love and sex is like. Whereas reading smutty literature about supernatural beings is a highbrow activity that improves the mind and nourishes the soul.

“Porn is just so demeaning. But my book where the protagonist is bound, gagged, and forced to submit to the evil sexual whims of a tyrannical guy 3,000 years older than her is the very model of modern feminism. It was written by a woman, so it can’t be sexist.”

Kramer’s boyfriend Jack Browne said: “We tried to watch porn together once but she really wasn’t into it, so I thought she was just a sweet, innocent soul.

“Then I happened to glance inside her book one day and read some of the most f**ked up shit I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”

Be clean but not an obsessive psycho about it: An honest flatmate ad

HI there! Our former flatmate’s moving out (all on good terms, just the usual deep-rooted resentment), and we’ve got a spare room.

Are you looking for somewhere after leaving your last place for reasons you’ll be suspiciously vague about? Could you be the ideal tenant? Hint: if you can clean the toilet bowl after a shit, you’re already better than the last!

Your room

We’ve got a poxy three-bed that the landlord’s convinced is legal to call a four because he’s put a wobbly stud wall up. You’ll be living in that extra ‘room’, of course, and we’ll wait until moving in day for the fun surprise of revealing the electricity meter is behind your bed.

Your job

Please have one. We may be left wing and arty, but we will sacrifice all of our personal politics for someone who can pay rent and bills on time. Come all ye tech people, accountants and estate agents: we would love to have your bank accounts living with us. But you can’t work from home, as the rest of us already do that and the kitchen gets very crowded at lunchtime.

Guests and friends

You can of course have a partner, providing they’re long distance and never, ever come to stay. You’re allowed one quiet friend over for tea once a month, and that’s only to convince us that you’re not a complete incel planning to murder us in our sleep.

Cooking

We’re very open to people who are great cooks, especially ones that bring expensive cookware and spices with them as we use everything communally. It’s only fair, as you’ll have unbridled access to our one wonky pan and the eternally sticky bottle of vegetable oil.

Cleaning

We have an informal set up here that we like to call ‘everyone does a cursory amount while angrily believing they do more than everyone else’. You should be the kind of person that does all the nasty stuff like cleaning out the bins, but you’ll do it in secret so we don’t have to feel guilty about it.

Socialising

We’ll give you a courtesy invite to the giant, messy house party that we’ll have for each of our birthdays, mainly so that we can use your bedroom as beer storage. Other than that it’s a quick ‘g’night’ on your way to bed if we happen to make eye contact. No small talk before 9am.

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