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Phase One of the Prince Harry Cinematic Universe to kick off in June

PRINCE Harry’s life story will soon become a series of epic blockbusters and the basis of an expanded cinematic universe, it has been revealed.

Harry: Spare of Windsor will herald a new film franchise centred around the thrilling adventures of the Duke of Sussex as he fights the malevolent forces of his family and the UK media.

Hollywood insider Tom Booker said: “Audiences are getting bored of movies about superheroes and Norse gods. What they’re crying out for is a trilogy of films based on Harry’s memoir, each running well over three hours.

“We’ll have to use some artistic licence, obviously, so don’t be surprised when Harry kills 25 Taliban with his laser vision. If The Crown can play fast and loose with the truth, Hollywood can lower its high standards of historical accuracy just this once.

“So meet H, the ex-forces action hero fighting both bad guys and his personal demons as he battles his arch-nemesis known only as The Receding Man, who – spoiler warning – turns out to be his brother. 

“This is just the start of it. Harry’s cinematic universe will include films based on the rich lore of his personal history, a lot like Lord of the Rings. There are at least half a dozen prequels to be wrung out of his cocaine-fuelled teenage years and the time he shagged a cougar in a field.

“Of course the main attraction will be the Meghan Markle trilogy. It’ll essentially be Wonder Woman but with Beyonce in the lead role and a lot more daddy issues. So that’s something to look forward to.”

'Toughest week of my life' says nurse after job swap with right-wing columnist

A NURSE who did a job swap with a Daily Telegraph columnist has admitted she has never had to work so hard.

For a TV documentary, Nikki Hollis, who works shifts at Barts in London, swapped roles with the Telegraph’s Donna Sheridan, who spends almost an hour writing her weekly column complaining about workshy Britain and tea-drinking NHS skivers.

Hollis said: “After a week racking my brains trying to write an 800-word column made up out of thin air, my hat is off to these right-wing ranters. I don’t know how they do it.

“I wrote a piece on Monday, an account of a day in the life of a nurse working a winter shift. The editor knocked it back, saying it was ‘loony left propaganda’, ‘insufficiently mean-spirited’ and ‘not bonkers’.

“So I tried again. I put myself in the mind of a Donna Sheridan and wrote some absolute garbage about nurses spending most of their days filling out dubious expenses claims and only visiting food banks to have food fights after work while patients languish in corridors.

“The editor said it still wasn’t spiteful and ill-informed enough. I had sleepless nights asking myself ‘What would Allison Pearson, Janet Daley or Isabel Oakeshott write?’ 

“I just couldn’t do it. I’m relieved to back on the wards, doing easy stuff like saving lives. Our right-wing columnists are miracle workers.”

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