MEDICAL research has discovered that getting a stitch while running is a clinical indication the entire practice is wrong and you should stop exercising immediately.

The advice overrules previous beliefs that some degree of effort and temporary discomfort was needed in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle, a view now discredited and held only by fanatical online exercise grifters.

Consulting professional Dr Stephen Malley said: “On reflection, we should have recognised stitches as a sinister malady simply on the basis of the name.

“We must listen to our bodies. If you find running boring, or even other people talking about running boring, you should take it as evidence that your system is under viral attack and stop immediately.

“It makes no medical sense. We would never ask a patient with a peanut allergy to eat a Snickers and just tough through the anaphylactic shock, so why encourage running among those whose bodies are screaming ‘No!’

“If you still insist on pursuing these masochistic ‘runs’, know the warning signs. If you’re out of breath, you’re suffocating. If your legs feel tired, expect to lose them. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to run through a ‘wall’.”

Lucy Parry of Swindon agreed: “Your brain knows what your body needs. A stitch is its way of telling you to stop and eat a sharing bag of Walker’s Sensations.”