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New Alien film set in Trafford Centre

A NEW film in the Alien series is set in Manchester’s shopping mecca the Trafford Centre, its creators have confirmed. 

Alien: Trafford follows a xenomorph outbreak in the high-end retail location, contrasting shoppers’ desperate attempts to escape with their purchases against the corporate owners’ fight to avoid any damage to their brand identity.

Film critic Emma Bradford said: “You’ve seen chestbursters erupt from a ribcage in a fountain of gore before. But it has so much more impact in a perfectly pristine Apple store.

“I’m not ashamed to admit I cried out ‘My God, not the MacBooks!’ And when humanity takes the fight to Selfridges the tension really hits a peak because one drop of spilled acidic blood could make an Alexander McQueen coat completely unsellable, even at discount.”

Viewer Tom Booker said: “Everyone’s trapped in the Trafford Centre. Not by aliens, just because everyone’s parked like arseholes, which happens quite often.

“The chase, where desperate families run for the exits while alien claws clatter on the Tuscan marble flooring behind them, is thrilling even before they duck into a back-to-school sale in Smiggle they can’t reasonably pass up.

“It’s so exciting when different franchises collide. I shivered in terror when the xenomorphs threatened the Tag Heuers.”

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The best times of day to have a pint, ranked

PINTS are scientifically proven to make all your troubles melt away, but the time of day can make them taste even sweeter. These are the best times to drink one, ranked.

7:04 am

A pint with breakfast sounds idyllic, but don’t be fooled. Your Morrisons value wheat malties will absorb a decent chunk of the alcohol, meaning you won’t feel its full reality-softening effect. Plus if you have to go to work then you won’t be able to top it up with another round or three. It’s a wasted couple of units that will damage your liver regardless.

10:59 pm

A good time for you, perhaps. At this late hour you’re probably riding a wave of alcohol and want to keep the party going with another pint. Think of the bar staff though. They’re trying to close up and get well away from pissed up twats like you. Do the mature thing and get shitfaced in a park with a couple of tinnies from Tesco Express.

8:35 am and pm

Perfectly respectable times at either end of the day. A half eight in the morning pint means you are likely to be steadying your nerves in an airport departure lounge, while a half eight in the evening pint is as socially acceptable as it gets. This is the thinking man’s pint drinking hour of choice, and you’re there too.

1:13 pm

Perhaps a shock to many, but the lunch break pint only comes in third place. While it acts as a welcome palette cleanser to the misery of your morning, you do have to neck it rather quickly in order to scuttle back to your desk. Plus there’s the risk that colleagues spot you and snitch on you to your line manager, or worse, tag along.

5:07 pm

What can be said about the first post-work pint of the evening that hasn’t been said before? Undoubtedly the GOAT of pints for many, it remains popular for a reason. A celebration of the longest period of time until you have to work again, the 5:07 pm pint is a toast to freedom. Paired with a loosening of your tie and a crafty fag, this enduring classic remains hard to beat.

3 pm

For seasoned pint swiggers, this will come as no surprise. Veterans have long been familiar with the unique euphoria of supping a pint at 3 pm, savouring its sweet taste in a quiet bar as they smugly watch other people still going about their work day. Taken at a leisurely pace, this pint can also effortlessly dovetail into the 5:07 pm pint. Try it today and see what all the fuss is about.

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