Netflix vs Apple TV vs Disney+ vs Amazon Prime: Why not cancel all of them?

CASH-STRAPPED households are choosing which streaming service to cancel and plumping for ‘all of them’. Here’s why:

Netflix is full of shite

Once a pioneering producer of high-end content, Netflix has pivoted to crap. Every other new show on the station is shovel-in shite, while their policy of giving renowned filmmakers millions for pet projects has proved how wise studios were not to. Would you rather watch The Power of the Dog or Is It Cake? F**king neither.

Apple TV is largely empty

Making its usual ‘we run the world already but I suppose we’ve got cash to spend’ half-hearted effort, Apple’s come up with about three shows you’ve heard of and an Oscar-winning film you’re desperate not to see. Ted Lasso’s the kind of heartwarming very-special-episode sitcom that used to be on BBC2 at 6pm.

Disney+ sucks balls

The only streaming service that is actively making its flagship franchises – Star Wars and Marvel – drop in value. The various Star Wars series have forced viewers to conclude that more films would be a very bad idea, while Moon Knight and Hawkeye have revealed most Marvel heroes are just men with sticks. You don’t want to see Disney die. Not like this.

NOW is just Sky

Remember that mate who had Sky in the 90s? You went round anticipating a new world of televisual delights, and instead found 68 channels of repeated bollocks. This is basically that without even The Simpsons.

Amazon Prime barely even tries

Amazon Prime’s core function is getting shit you don’t need to your house really fast, and the streaming service works the same way. They’ll bung on a film most weekends but the quality control’s the same as the quality control for cheap Chinese-made ring lights.

BritBox is misplaced nostalgia as a subscription

Remember all those shows you loved, that were formative, that made you who you are? They’re all on Britbox in 4:3 ratio and they look like complete shit. With every one you watch more of your illusions are torn away. It’s like being crushed to death under an avalanche of dusty VHS tapes in the back room of an abandoned charity shop.

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