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Nerd should be happy everyone's into his superhero shit but isn't

AN uppity dork who likes comics is annoyed his hobby has become popular after big-budget adaptations made superheroes interesting.

Julian Cook has always proudly despised mainstream cultural consumers for their lack of interest in his geeky enthusiasms and resents their newfound interest in his favourite characters.

Cook said: “They just haven’t put in the hours. Find me one person who’s actually read Tom King’s Rorschach miniseries since seeing Watchmen. And how could you ever know how many batcaves Bruce Wayne owns from a two-hour film on Amazon Prime?

“I haven’t spent years cross-referencing Marvel’s Bronze Age comics with the relevant films just for some pleb to think they’re clever spotting glaringly obvious Stan Lee cameos. Or start caring about Black Widow’s pre-Avengers backstory after drooling over Scarlett Johansson in leather.

“Even my visits to Forbidden Planet have been ruined, overrun with kids buying Funko Pops and parents saying a full Spider-Man villains collection is a waste of money. It isn’t, by the way, but I’m more bothered that the cashier wasn’t aware there are 22 different types of Kryptonite.

“This hype will surely stop with Aquaman 2. Simply because it’s so rubbish that everyone will lose interest.”

Anything near a train station is f**king horrible

ANY bar, pub, coffee shop, sandwich shop or ordinary shop within 200 metres of a station is far more horrible than its distant counterparts.

No matter what the establishment, its location near a train station automatically downgrades it to at least two levels below its equivalent elsewhere, and in the case of major London stations as many as five.

Retail expert Helen Archer said: “You head to the station early. Your mate agrees to stay for one. You drink a miserable pint by lone travellers with wheeled cases and wish you hadn’t.

“Or you have a quick coffee only to realise in a single sip it was brewed in a cistern by a clever dog and you’ve lost the tastebuds on that side for life. And your table was last cleared in August ’22.

“Or you’re facing a 95-minute journey to Crewe so you buy a sandwich that turns out, by Milton Keynes, to be made of shit. Or you go the most miserable shop you’ve visited in years and pay £5.40 for Monster Munch and a Panda Pop.

“Even the supermarkets are horrible and grimy. Even the pub across the road has the feel of death’s waiting room. The very proximity of transport covers every experience, physically and spiritually, in a thin, uncleansable film of grime.

“It probably isn’t true of tiny little rural stations in places called Scrumpington-over-Willow. But they’ve closed all those down.”

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