subscribe
/ Sign Out

Modern musicians throwing tablet devices out of hotel windows

MUSICIANS are hurling touchscreen devices from hotel room windows as televisions are no longer part of the zeitgeist.

Tablet throwing is now musicians’ default act of hotel-based vandalism, as acts are concerned about being associated with dated technology.

Label manager Emma Bradford said “From a branding perspective, television throwing completely alienates the download generation.

“Potential fans are more impressed by the destruction of a full size iPad with retina display, but the acts who chuck Samsung Galaxies tend to shift the most merch.

“Also a lot of bands have vegan diets and lack the upper-body strength to lift even a flat-screen television.”

Bassist Julian Cook said: “It’s less about watching a large object exploding in a shower of glass and more about product placement.

“Smartphone companies are catching on. We got given a load of HTCs ‘for the window’, but I kept mine and gave it to my Mum.

“Plus it’s harder to open a hotel window than ever before, and if that gets damaged, you’ve lost your deposit and you’re sleeping in a draught.”

Tom Booker, an 80s punk veteran said: “In my day, most of the rooms we stayed in didn’t even have windows, so we’d put the telly in the bath and electrocute whoever was in it.”

Gumshoe Ed Davey vows to solve energy company mystery

ENERGY Secretary Ed Davey has turned detective to find out why bills for gas and electricity are rising so sharply.

The amateur sleuth has said that a direct connection between price increases and record profits is “too obvious” and has critics “singin’ from the bad guys’ hymnsheet.”

Davey, wearing a tan trenchcoat and fedora, said: “The free market’s nobody’s patsy. So when competition ain’t making for lower prices, it’s this gumshoe’s job to find out what goon threw a wrench in the works.”

The Energy Secretary began his investigation by breaking into the offices of Ofgem late at night and combing through files with a torch in his teeth.

He commented: “Nothing wrong with these fat cats giving themselves 100 per cent year-on-year pay rises. That’s the price you gotta pay at the top.

“And all the shareholders are doing is demanding that growth is prioritised over sustainable infrastructure investment, which makes them as innocent as a nun in a nunnery.

“Thought there might be something in this green taxes ballyhoo, but it’s one big floppin’ red fish. Nothing but a bunch of complicated tax shelters.

“So the only explanation that fits all the facts is… no,  wait a minute. This whole goddamn privatisation mess can’t have been just a big scam, all along?”

Moments later, Davey was knocked cold by a blackjack from behind, loaded into a British Gas van and driven to where some men had dug a rectangular hole as part of ’emergency overnight pipeline repairs’.

Next story ›