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Man happy to spend rest of life only liking Oasis

A 41-YEAR-OLD man has cheerfully resigned himself to an entire life of only enjoying the music of Oasis.

Oasis fan Nathan Muir discovered the joys of music after listening to Live Forever in 1994, and has no interest in buying CDs by other artists after hearing Noel Gallagher’s first disappointing solo album in 2011.

He said: “I love Oasis. They’re the absolute best, from Definitely Maybe all the way through to their last one I don’t remember the name of.

“Hence I don’t really need to hear other bands. I haven’t minded a couple when my mates put them on, like Kasabian, but when it comes down to it they’re just a shit Oasis.

“I tried the Beatles once, because Oasis really big them up, but it’s all a bit old-fashioned isn’t it? Or weird. I only really liked I Am The Walrus and it’s not as good as the Oasis version.

“I’m getting on a bit now too, so it’d be embarrassing if I tried listening to the bands young people are into. Also Noel and Liam’s solo stuff was bollocks. So basically I’m sticking with Oasis for the next 40 years or so, then I’ll die.”

Wife Debbie Muir said: “It’s actually better than being with some snobby music bore, until he gets hammered with his mates and they sing along to Champagne Supernova at top volume at 3am.”

'Play Dancing Queen again': five requests DJs f**king love

DJs are so grateful when inexperienced strangers tell them how to do their job. Become their favourite person with these suggestions:

‘Play Dancing Queen again’

There’s a reason why no DJ will play the same song twice in a set – they’re too scared of how great it would be. Everyone loved it when you and your friends screamed ‘this is our song’ and cleared the dance floor to do a half-remembered routine, and the DJ will be ecstatic to watch you have a second crack at that shit.

‘Put on some proper music’

This one is the perfect request for people whose skinny jeans are trying to fight the effects of ageing as desperately as they are. Best given in the form of a half-sung, half-slurred yell from the other side of the room while the DJ is crossfading between obscure tracks. They’ll really appreciate your expert direction.

‘Will you play some of my band’s stuff?’

Classic chart-toppers and party anthems won’t fill the floor like your seven-minute-long acoustic guitar track about your first girlfriend dumping you. It’s not on iTunes or Spotify but whoever’s behind the decks will happily let you connect your phone to their system, or, even better, pause everything to let you perform it drunk and live.

‘Why won’t you play [INSERT DISGRACED MUSICIAN HERE]?’

Wondering why the DJ isn’t playing bangers recorded by a criminally convicted singer at a family occasion? They’ve probably just forgotten how great their tunes are, so give them a polite reminder. Commercial radio stations may have banned this artist’s music from the air, but that doesn’t mean this christening has to.

‘Play Dancing Queen again’

No, not an editorial blunder on our part. The DJ may have told you where and how to go and f**k yourself last time you requested this, but they just didn’t understand. Yell this request into their ear for a second or third time and they’ll happily cue it up.

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