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Love Island contestants horrified by entrant with unbleached anus

A MAN whose rear end has never been anything other than vigorously washed has been allowed to enter Love Island, to the horror of other contestants. 

Alongside contestants aged over 35 and contestants going through divorces, the disgusted inhabitants will be forced to share the villa with Ryan Whittaker, whose chocolate starfish is believed to remain a stomach-heaving brown.

22-year-old Grace Wood-Morris, who is willing to have sex with a stranger on television to win money, said: “This breaks every societal taboo. What are they thinking?

“Bad enough I’m sharing space with men who should, by the rules of Logan’s Run, be hunted down and killed but this brown-eyed monster? In our hot tubs?

“The producers say ‘it’ll be hidden by his trunks’ and ‘we want to encourage diversity’ but how can you relax knowing at any moment he could reveal it and we’ll all lose our sight from the shock?”

Whittaker said: “I’ve got the muscles and the tattoos and the veneers, so I thought I could get away without having a highly abrasive substance painted on my ringpiece until it sizzles.

“However, the other islands have agreed they’re going to hunt me down like a wild hog and place my severed head on a stick, which will make great telly and bring the other couples together. So there’s a happy ending.”

A copy of the Metro, and other presents for people with January birthdays

FRIEND selfish enough to be born in January? Insensitively expecting a birthday present regardless of your overdraft? These make ideal cost-effective gifts: 

A copy of the Metro

Big birthdays are honoured with a copy of The Times from the day you were born, so celebrating a less-vital birthday with a commemorative copy of the Metro from their birthday today is just as thoughtful. Having leafed through it for quality control purposes, you’re confident your friend will be blown away by its mix of concise reporting and 60 Seconds With Gwiluym Lee.

Good karma

You can’t put a price on positive vibes, which is fortunate, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to afford them. But as good karma isn’t a tangible object, you won’t even need to splash out on £2-a-roll wrapping paper. Simply write it down in the cheapest generic birthday card you can find in Smiths and let the benevolent forces of the universe do the rest.

A link to a hilarious cat video

The gift of laughter is the most valuable present of all, as the few comedians who don’t host daytime ITV gameshows tell us. And funny cat videos are the internet’s only true gold, so a ten-second clip they’ve not seen before is far better than some tawdry item which aligns with their personality and interests. Though it does set the bar high for next year.

The promise of a pint

Anticipation is arguably the most invigorating part of receiving a present. Once unwrapped they’re not as good. The promise of a pint on payday gives your pal a carrot to get through the month, powering through a grim time of year and helping them move on from a birthday which has been such a terrible disappointment.

Any DVD you’re unlikely to watch again

In the age of streaming and disposable content, a DVD of Amelie or Inception is like a handcrafted oak dresser made by a skilled carpenter. Marvel at those interactive menus and US trailers. This gift is both antique and vintage, but do remove any charity shop price stickers and check the right disc’s in the case.

Sex

Whether an ex, a close friend or a second cousin, everybody loves sex. Tie a red ribbon around the relevant area and present it with a smile of cheerful acquiescence to their most outlandish desires. Then say ‘Or if you’re not bothered?’ and hope they agree with a shrug.

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