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Jabba The Hutt Joins X Factor Judging Panel

SIX HUNDRED year-old Tatooine crime lord Jabba The Hutt is to replace Dannii Minogue on the X Factor judging panel, it has been confirmed.

ITV welcomed the new addition and revealed that acts which displease him will either be eaten immediately in a single mouthful or hurled screaming into the brand new Sarlacc Pit which will be installed beneath the stage.

The Hutt said: “I am most grateful to the human Cowell. The search for new talent is a pleasing recreation.

“Perhaps we shall be making someone’s dream a reality. Perhaps not. In any case, I shall feed.”

He added: “Bring me Solo and the wookie.

“Not really, I just like saying that.”

The amphibious blob of fecal matter is believed to have signed to the series for a seven-figure package including two dozen slave girls, a big jar full of eels and the head of Lando Calrissian.

A spokesman said: “Naturally we’re excited to have a star whose notoriety extends as far as Mylok IV, homeworld of the Nharwaak.

“Jabba’s natural sadism and air of cruel insouciance make him perfectly suited to the role. Audiences can look forward to him coming down especially hard on mediocre street dance collectives and anyone who looks like they might jettison their cargo at the first sign of trouble.

“Also, his physique makes him a perfect role model for larger viewers, proving that having a vast, bloated, immobile frame that constantly exudes a pungent mucus is no barrier to a successful career on ITV.

“Just like Fern Britton.”

 

Middle Class Could Be Forced To Pay For Things They Can Afford

MIDDLE class families face no longer being able to use child benefit to buy wine, it emerged last night.

Ministers have spent two months searching desperately for ways to cut the UK’s soaring welfare bill before finally realising they should just stop giving money to people who obviously don’t need it.

A senior source said: “We looked into who would be adversely affected by scrapping the £87 a month child benefit for middle class families and realised pretty quickly that it was Oddbins and Majestic.

“We may as well have been paying them directly, so all people would have had to do was drop by once a month, show them a photo of a child and pick up their free case.”

But Helen Archer, a woman who doesn’t know what a job is from Grantham, said: “I use my child benefit for Oliver’s trombone lessons. Two years and he’s still absolutely fucking shit. Thank Christ it’s not my money.”

And Emma Bradford, a part-time locum GP from York, added: “My £87 a month goes towards the accountant who is helping us avoid inheritance tax.”

Meanwhile old people’s charities have warned that scrapping the winter fuel payment for middle class pensioners could force them to burn their Bill Bryson collections in their garden chimeneas.

A spokeswoman for Old UK said: “Thanks to the recession the average middle class pensioner couple is already down to just 27 holidays a year. Many of them in Scotland.

“Removing the winter fuel payment will simply cause a vast bonfire of gentle, but keenly observed transatlantic humour, or force thousands of people to stay in Magaluf until early April.”

 

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