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Love Island renamed F**knut Peninsula

ITV reality show Love Island is to be retitled Fucknut Peninsula for the remainder of the current series.

The move follows claims that the show does not actually take place on an island and that the concept of love is entirely irrelevant to it.

Producer Emma Bradford said: “The ‘island’ isn’t Mallorca – that was too expensive – and it’s not even an island.

“It’s in the Solent and is actually surrounded by water on three sides, which makes it a small peninsula. But we didn’t want to get too bogged down in the schematics of it.

“And in fairness it’s not really about love but rather it’s about relative strangers having sex with each other on television. In fact you could argue that it’s an affront to any sort of genuine emotion.

“Being a total fucknut is top of the agenda though.”

Secret of looking young is self-delusion

THE best way to maintain youthful looks is to live in a delusional fantasy world, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that anti-ageing creams, exercise and diet were far less effective than simply kidding yourself you still look 21.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Successful anti-ageing techniques include only glancing in the bathroom mirror very quickly so your brain doesn’t have time to register your grey hairs and wrinkly eye sockets.

“One method for men was convincing themselves that teenage girls in the street were eyeing them up, rather than hoping they weren’t a friend of their dad who would dob them in for smoking.

“Some older women use the tactic of only flirting with service sector workers such as waiters, rather than ‘non-captive’ men in pubs and bars who could escape from their gruesome middle-aged sex banter.

“Others asserted their youthfulness by slavishly wearing the latest fashions, which is unfortunate given the current popularity of hotpants, tight tops and morbid obesity.”

Office manager Roy Hobbs, 49, said: “People think I’m a lot younger because I go to lots of indie gigs. The interns at work love hearing about The Family Cat and The House of Love.”

Account executive Donna Sheridan, 52, said: “People are always asking if my daughter and I are sisters, which is great if you like compliments from sleazy, unoriginal men.”  

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