COULD you, for no more than £400 million pounds, pretend your brother is not a total arsehole for six weeks? Find out:
Has your brother repeatedly said what an utter twat you are to everyone?
A) Yes, especially when he gets a few in him at Christmas. It’s why we tend to leave early these days.
B) Yes, whenever interviewed by the media he’ll dedicate a few juicy soundbites to what an absolute f**king bellend I am in the hope it might boost sales of his albums.
Has your brother developed his social media brand by slating you?
A) We’re not friends on Facebook any more, and yes I believe he goes on the occasional late-night rant about my scratching his U2 records, but ‘brand’? No.
B) Yes, he’s spent several years referring to me by the potato emoji, humiliating me whenever possible and calling my wife ‘Yoko’. Also he calls everyone ‘rastas’.
Have you ever humiliated your brother professionally?
A) Certainly not. Well, there was the occasion I reported him for driving without insurance so he’d lose his licence, but that was a public safety issue.
B) I admit I have refused to let him use my songs in film of his concerts, which coincidentally are much larger than mine, but that was a rights issue.
Have you publicly vowed never to have anything to do with him ever again?
A) Not in public because few would care, but I’ve definitely said it to my wife, our children, our parents, any mutual friends and the lads at work.
B) Yes, whenever asked. I’ve belittled him, mocked him, goaded him and done everything within my power to piss on his chips.
Have you recently got divorced and it’s cost you a fair bit?
A) No, my marriage remains strong.
B) As a matter of fact yes, but that’s nothing to do with anything.
Will you agree to pretend he is not the world’s greatest knobhead for a short period of time in return for a half-share of £400 million?
A) Four hundred quid? I’m there. Wait, did you say ‘million’?
B) Reluctantly, yes. But I’m looking forward to slagging the chimp-walking prick off again afterwards more than I am the concerts.
ANSWERS:
Mostly As: You will accept money to feign fondness for your brother, despite the incident with the hamster when you were eight, but nobody’s offering it. Carry on calling him a wanker.
Mostly Bs: In return for the largest payday of your well-monied life, you will pretend your brother is not a total dick you despise from the very pit of your being. Temporarily. The truce may collapse on stage.
