KNOW some smug bastard who always goes to Glastonbury? You’ve probably heard them say some of these tedious things.
‘I never bother with the Pyramid stage’
Obviously, only the most basic of bitches flock like sheep to the Pyramid Stage to see the big headline acts. Real music lovers, on the other hand, go and nod along to an obscure folktronica band in some far-flung corner of the site. All the while secretly wishing they were dancing to Elton John with a huge, delighted crowd.
‘It’s far too corporate now’
A subtle way of letting people know they have been going to Glastonbury since the 80s, when the only branding anyone saw was the CND logo. This year it’s sponsored by Vodafone, which may not have the same peace-and-love credentials, but does mean that everything is a bit more civilised and punters don’t have to shit in a hedge. Unless they choose to, of course.
‘What do you mean, you’ve never found the secret stage behind Shangri-La?’
There are always rumours of surprise sets and stages at Glastonbury, which is the sort of thing pretentious twats love. They don’t actually know if there is a secret stage behind Shangri-La, but someone they know who claims to have links to the music industry told them there was, and, like a gullible bellend, they believed them.
‘Nothing will ever top Radiohead in 1997’
Though this is contrary to their claim about not going to the Pyramid stage, a smug bastard always likes to say they were at performances that are now considered legendary. The truth is that they were actually watching Kula Shaker on the Other stage, but hell will freeze over before they admit to something so tragic.
‘Smaller festivals are much better’
The ultimately show off thing to say about Glastonbury is that it’s not actually that good, and they much prefer more intimate, boutique festivals. But their partner has already told you that they spent five hours on three laptops trying to secure tickets this year, so you know that’s a load of bollocks.
