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Halfwits To Be Banned From Using The Phone

HALFWITS, cretins and morons are to be denied access to the telephone system as part of a government crackdown on TV quizzes.

Home Secretary John Reid is to introduce emergency legislation which will ban anyone deemed to be an imbecile from even picking up a handset.

Television companies are currently raking in more than £17 billion a year from Britain's 28 million idiots through quizzes that would fail to test the intellectual capacity of a goose.

A typical TV quiz scam will involve an easy question such as:What was Queen Victoria's first name?

Was it? (a) Queen (b) Victoria or (c) Robert Mugabe.

Viewers then phone in and wait on the line for two hours at £7.50 a minute before being cut off. Just before the line goes dead, callers can hear the bellowing laughter of the company executives.

Under the new law anyone phoning a quizline will be disconnected immediately and will not be allowed access to a telephone until they have read at least one book by Stephen Fry.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

Taurus (20 APR-20 MAY)

Now is a great time for trying out new things. Why not have a go at sex?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Are your lover's once quirky and cute habits now driving you bonkers? Tell him to set fire to his own farts for a change.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Work is getting you down, and you are feeling pretty low. Go to a bar, get drunk, and sleep with a stranger. Now that feels much better, doesn’t it?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Remember that hottie you met on vacation last summer? She’s been thinking about you too! She’s changed her name, cut off all ties with her family and friends and had major facial surgery. Playing hard to get? That’s such a turn-on!

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

A good friend is starting to see you in a different light. What are they doing driving round and round that part of town at this time of night?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Never underestimate the power of home cooked meal to wow that special person. Don’t forget to make an erotic pudding, but use a small banana to avoid disappointment later over the size of your cock.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

If you've been thinking about asking out someone new, now's the time. That burning sensation when you urinate? It’s nothing to worry about!

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Take some time today to reflect on all that you have achieved in your life so far. That’s quite enough!

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

You're feeling extra generous right now, so why not do a friend a favour and stop sleeping with her husband? Or just buy her lunch instead.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Today you will find yourself in a situation where another person's feelings could easily get hurt. Enjoy!

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Your new love interest is sending you conflicting messages. Yesterday he said ‘hello and welcome to the six o’clock news’ and today he said ‘It’s six o’clock and here is the news’. Go round to his apartment, cut off his head and leave it somewhere in a box.

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