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Hale and Pace to headline Glastonbury

THE Glastonbury festival has revealed Hale and Pace and the Crazy Frog will be next year’s headliners, moments after tickets sold out in record time.

As desperate fans paid out hundreds of pounds without knowing any of the acts, organiser Michael Eavis predicted a ‘celebration to rival the Olympics’.

He added “I can’t wait to see Hale and Pace, I hope they do ‘The Stonk’.”

Also appearing will be St Winifred’s School Choir, famous for their hit ‘There’s No One Quite Like Grandma’. Choir member Donna Sheridan said: “We probably won’t play that one. We’ve got some great songs on our new album that we can’t wait to sing.”

The Crazy Frog, said: “A ding ding ding ding d-ding ding ding ding ding d-ding ding ding ding d-ding d-ding d-ding ding ding ding ding ding.”

Eavis said that from next year all festival food will be provided by Ginsters, adding: “Glastonbury is renowned for its eclectic food offering and so the pasties will be available in both cheese and onion and meat.”

The festival is also relocating from Mr Eavis’s idyllic Somerset farm to an Asda car park on the edge of Taunton.

The festival will still be surrounded by a twelve foot security fence, but instead of deterring gatecrashers, it will be used to stop ticketholders escaping.

Tom Logan, who bought a ticket on Sunday, said:  “At least it’s not fucking Mumford and Sons.”

 

 

 

Cameron to claim he was molested by Jimmy Savile

DAVID Cameron will attempt to appease Tory rebels by claiming Jimmy Savile touched him up when he was 14.

In his keynote speech to the Conservative conference he will say his performance as prime minister is down to the trauma caused by the infamous pervert rubbing him in the groin.

Speaking to BBC 1’s Andrew Marr Reads the Papers Mr Cameron revealed he had been part of a school outing to Jim’ll Fix It after one of his classmates at Eton was chosen to appear on the show.

He said: “Viscount Cobham had fallen out with his father and so had asked Jim to fix it for him to become a member of the MCC.

“I was very excited because it meant I could mix with children from different backgrounds, which was always so important to me.

“I was chosen to sit at the front and then Jimmy came over and sat next to me. Without asking, he put his hand firmly on my privates while John Humphrys, James Naughtie and Ed Miliband stood there and did nothing.”

Mr Cameron said he had been through years of therapy in a bid to erase the experience, but added: “Every time I have to make an important decision I am haunted by the face of that beast and I get terribly distracted.

“I daren’t close my eyes and so I’m constantly tired and unable to concentrate. Under those circumstances it was only a matter of time before Jeremy Hunt became health secretary.

“Jimmy Savile raised a lot of money for hospitals but is now almost entirely responsible for their gradual privatisation.”

Nadine Dorries, an arch Cameron critic, said: “I feel really bad now. Poor man.

“Some people say I look a bit like Jimmy Savile.”

 

 

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