RELATIONSHIP gone tits up? Ease the heartache with the knowledge that you’re finally free to air these home truths that have been bugging you for years.
You’ve been lying about her cooking
You’ve been putting up with her shit cuisine for years. You’re not some awful bloke who expects his tea on the table every night, but that’s why you’ve been politely suffering through flavourless pasta dishes for so long. Your ex claims to derive her ‘inspiration’ from Nigella Lawson, overlooking the fact she has neither the culinary talent nor Nigella’s breasts to compensate. Now you can finally tell her that. The breasts jibe is a bit unnecessary, but you feel it’s relevant.
Saying ‘Can I get?’ instead of ‘have’ in restaurants
This has pissed you off for years, but you’ve not wanted to sound like a grammar pedant. No, you can’t ‘get’ it, you illiterate twat, because you’re not one of the chefs and the kitchens are off limits. Not that it would be a good idea, as Marmite on toast still presents a culinary challenge for your boyfriend. While you’re at it, correct him about saying ‘could of’ instead of ‘could have’. There’s nothing to lose, and frankly that’s worth splitting up over anyway.
Using stupid hand gestures to illustrate her point while talking
You can hear her perfectly well, thanks, and don’t need the animated arm-waving like she’s conducting an orchestra or communicating in sign language. Although given how often you zone out when she’s recounting her latest irrelevant work gossip, she could be forgiven for thinking you’re hearing-challenged. Now you can tell her in no uncertain terms, and not because you’re bitter she’s sacked you off to shag one of your friends. Hope you enjoy being stuck in an episode of See Hear, Steve, ‘mate’.
His nauseating eating habits
You’ve kept quiet about his disgusting table manners since you met. Talking with his mouth full like some kind of human cement mixer. Blowing his f**king nose on his napkin. Mopping up the last of his gravy with his finger then licking it off. It’s been like spending the last five years dining with a pig in a sty. And if he leaves his used knife lying on the table again instead of placing it neatly next to the fork on his plate, you may as well stab the bastard with it. It’s not like it’ll affect your birthday present.
The running commentary on her internet browsing
Apparently, she thinks the middle of a penalty shootout is the perfect moment to ask for an opinion on that new outfit she’s thinking of ordering. Or to tell you some garbled bollocks about two celebrities you’ve no interest in splitting up. You’re now at liberty to tell her that dress would make her look fat, and sarcastically ask when Timothée Chalamet will be picking her up. Indulge yourself. She is shagging Fergus at the office.
Repeating the same anecdotes
You wanted to scream whenever he told you yet again about the time he bumped into the singer from Ned’s Atomic Dustbin in Tesco, or the occasion he allegedly put his boss down with a witty one-liner in his appraisal. When he did it in company you got to cringe with embarrassment too, so grab the chance for revenge. Ask him if he’s ever been tested for short-term memory loss, which could explain his tedious repetitiveness. And also that comment a year ago about spending the rest of his life with you. He definitely remembers that, right? Only it seems to slightly contradict his recent decision to shag someone with slightly bigger tits.
