GLADIATORS drew an audience of 6.4 million, most of whom just wanted to see muscular hotties in sparkly lycra grappling with each other. So what other reboots would appeal to deviants?
Treasure Hunt
Technically, Treasure Hunt was about two contestants in a studio solving clues using maps and communicating them to the ‘skyrunner’, first Anneka Rice and later Annabel Croft. However, all anyone watched it for was to see a woman with an excellent arse jogging across a field or clambering into a helicopter. Classic British perving loved by millions across the nation.
Blind Date
Obviously the contestants couldn’t see each other and picked a partner by asking inane questions, eg. ‘What flavour of crisp would you be?’ ‘I’d be spicy, Paul!’. Then they’d go away for a weekend. It sounds ideal for voyeurs, until they realised sex wasn’t going to take place because the bullshit questions had no bearing on whether they’d be attracted to each other. It was basically live Tinder hosted by Cilla Black, and could easily be rebooted with someone equally annoying like Amanda Holden.
Fun House
The gameshow element of Fun House was definitely entertaining for kids, but what attracted the older pervs were the twins, Melanie and Martina Grant, who acted as sidekicks to Pat Sharp and his frankly incredible mullet. There are undoubtedly plenty of oddballs who still dream about being ‘gunged’ by all three of them in a paddling pool, so the producers wouldn’t even have to bother recasting it. Apart from the mullet.
Man O Man
One for the mums, Man O Man saw a group of men being judged by a rabid audience of possibly drunk women, in categories such as chat-up lines, personality, special skills and so on. The most important round was ‘hunks in trunks’ where women got to blatantly objectify men before ditching them if they weren’t hot enough. Should be rebooted anyway as it’s basically Love Island but without all the boring conversation.
Bullseye
Bullseye was the ultimate gameshow for people who enjoy old school sexist banter and wish they had a speedboat to park on their drive in a landlocked suburb in Crawley. Keep the format exactly as it was, bring back Jim Bowen and market it as ‘anti-woke entertainment for the silent majority’. It didn’t have a gorgeous ‘dollybird’ to show off the prizes like other 80s quiz shows, but Rachel Riley would probably be happy to stand next to a microwave in a bikini.
Robot Wars
Homemade ‘robots’ fighting each other with picks and circular saw blades may not give everyone an erection, but for a certain type of geeky wrong ’un watching machines with names like Killertron and Penetrator battling it out was the height of sexual tension. Elon Musk could present the reboot – he’d enjoy it and it would distract him from destroying society via social media and autonomous cars that run people over then incinerate the driver.
