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Five shitty soft rock songs you're forced to sing along to in your head

THESE power tunes by poncey-haired soft metal bands have become stuck in your head and can never be removed. And your brain has decided it’s going to sing along.

The Final Countdown, Europe, 1986

This global mind-masher from Swedish rock poodles Europe makes you gravely chant ‘It’s the final countdown!’ as if something terrible is about to happen. Despite the portentous tone, it’s not about nuclear oblivion, it’s about going to Venus, so you’ve got random space bollocks stuck in your head forever.

Unwanted catchiness rating: 7 out of 10.

We Built This City, Starship, 1985

You can’t build a city from rock and roll. Concrete and girders are a better bet. And who’s going to provide the electrical infrastructure? The Bangles? Despite the non-physical nature of Starship’s music-based population centre, the chorus remains bloody indestructible in the mind of anyone that hears it, excluding GQ magazine, which voted it the worst song of all time.

Unwanted catchiness rating: 8

Pour Some Sugar on Me, Def Leppard, 1987

Not a request from a client in a Tate and Lyle-themed fetish dungeon, an agonising extended metaphor from Sheffield’s finest girly-haired rock gods. Is the sugar sex? Can you pour sex on someone? It also contains the line ‘Demolition woman, can I be your man?’, which, ironically, is a great thing to say if you want sexual intercourse to stop immediately.

Unwanted catchiness rating: 6

Livin’ on a Prayer, Bon Jovi, 1986

Starts out with a heartfelt blue collar tale of dockworker Tommy and waitress Gina – which is then obliterated by the rock anthem juggernaut of a chorus, causing your brain to slavishly chant ‘Woah, we’re halfway there…’ We never do find out what happens to Tommy’s ‘six-string in hock’. Maybe Jon Bon Jovi bought it, learned to play and became a millionaire while Tommy remained penniless and Gina left him. Clarification is needed.

Unwanted catchiness rating: 9

Dude (Looks Like a Lady), Aerosmith, 1987

In 1987 the ‘Bad boys of Boston’ unleashed this sensitive exploration of gender identity. Resist the Pavlovian urge to sing it aloud as the tacky handling of the subject may offend others. The only way to block it out is to recall another Aerosmith lobotomiser with stunted sexual content. Try Love in an Elevator.

Unwanted catchiness rating: 10

Is your co-worker trying to f**k you over? Take our quiz

MOST office workers hate each other, but is your colleague actively trying to destroy you professionally? Find out with our quiz.

How do they greet you?

A) With a venomous glance loaded with contempt and a surly nod of their head, if at all.

B) With a cheerful ‘Good morning!’ and a beaming smile, before asking about your wellbeing.

You’ve come up with a great idea, how do they react?

A) By rolling their eyes and letting out a snort of derision, before pitching the same idea in a meeting and claiming it as their own when it goes down well.

B) By enthusiastically micro-managing every detail before letting you pitch it to your boss. They’ll politely tell you that maybe it was ‘undercooked’ after it goes down badly.

What do they do on their lunch break?

A) Zap some pasta in the microwave then eat at their desk with their headphones in. It’s nature’s way of saying ‘f**k off’.

B) Join you in the canteen and pester you for a full hour asking probing questions about your home life, workload and performance results. ‘Just making sure you’re okay!’ they’ll chirp.

Do you go for post-work drinks?

A) Yes, but not together. Your colleague prefers to get home before cracking open a beer. And the best part is the absence of your company.

B) Yes, your colleague seems intent on hanging out with you at all times. After the third pint they will veer the chat towards compromising work gossip.

How do they treat your manager?

A) The same way they treat you and everyone else in the office: with open hostility that is only kept in check by the knowledge that they have a mortgage to pay.

B) Even more warmly than they treat you. They have lots of private meetings together where they’ll erupt into maniacal cackles before shooting a quick glance in your direction.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Your colleague is unfriendly, unprofessional, and clearly hates you, but they are not trying to bring you down. This is perfectly normal behaviour in an office environment. Get over yourself.

Mostly Bs: Your co-worker’s excessive friendliness is a red flag that they are secretly plotting your professional demise. Start polishing your CV now because it’s not long until you’ll get a sternly-worded email from HR.

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