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Five reasons you should buy my Glastonbury tickets, by a man who's just seen the line-up

DON’T look it up yourself, but this year’s Glastonbury line-up is incredible. Here’s why I reckon you should buy my tickets and go to the festival on my behalf.

It promises to be historic

That’s what everyone’s saying. I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but all the papers and everyone on social media is saying that this year’s festival will be one to remember. Watching it unfold at home on iPlayer won’t do it justice, so please, just pay me £348.50 for each ticket and prepare yourself for the weekend of a lifetime. Don’t make me beg.

I’m both too old and too young to go

Having read the line-up, which is definitely incredible by the way, I’ve realised that I’m not the right age for Glastonbury this year. The acts are either aimed at the older generation or hip, cool young people like yourself. Their trendy tunes would be wasted on me, so it’s more a matter of social responsibility that I’m offloading my tickets onto you. Take them. Take them now.

You won’t find tickets cheaper anywhere else

You’re getting a bargain out of me. Scalpers will rip you off because they know they’ve got the hottest ticket in town. Don’t let them take advantage of you; instead, let me, your close and trusted friend who only wants the best for you, sell them to you for their original sale price. I’ve included the booking fee too because that’s only fair.

You’ll be helping the economy

The nation’s finances and public services are only in a sorry state because everything’s underfunded. But by paying for my Glastonbury ticket you’ll be giving the country’s coffers a much-needed cash injection. Or are you in favour of overstretched NHS doctors having to tend to patients in corridors? Didn’t think so. Be a hero and PayPal me by the end of the day.

If nothing else, The King’s Meadow should be good

Did I say ‘if nothing else’? I meant, on top of all the amazing music by brilliant bands that are absolutely worth every penny, of course. In fact you’ll be so busy listening to all the incredible acts that you won’t be able to tear yourself away to the festival’s sacred space. You should be grateful that I’m not hoarding this experience of a lifetime for myself.

Today's imbecilic, pointless US tariffs outlook, with Tomasz Schafernaker

GOOD morning. Well, those tariffs that were forecast against Mexico and Canada have receded again and it should be a tariff-free day for them. But don’t relax.

Because while the threat of those tariffs may have retreated for now, we have an area of extremely low pressure over Washington DC where bluster and ignorance have created a very changeable tempest that could lash out in any direction.

Over Europe, we’re not expecting any tariffs immediately because the wind’s direction is very much about preparing for war. However that could cause a reciprocal effect across the Atlantic where the warmth for despots is at record highs.

In the East, we’ve got those reciprocal tariffs with China and they’re expected to stay constant, because they know all they have to do is wait and their rival will fall apart. So calm conditions there.

Back to the US, where there’s a gathering storm around Elon Musk who claims to be entirely unconnected to the firing of thousands of government workers. That’s pushed ahead of a bank of lawsuits on the horizon here, here and here.

Now earlier on today a woman rang the BBC and asked if that was what destroyed the SpaceX Starship. No, no need to worry, that was mechanical failure and hubris.

And what about Britain? Well, we’re hoping the cover provided by cringing and assiduously avoiding the issue will protect us from tariffs, but you might as well shout at the clouds. Thank you, and have a great day.

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