THINK you’d be a breakout reality TV star like Rylan? Here are five shows you’re deluded enough to imagine yourself on:
Bake Off
As a child you used to occasionally make very basic flapjack and now you reckon it would be a short leap to constructing profiterole pyramids and triple-layer mille-feuille in the Bake Off tent. The sad truth is it’s easy to muddle up a natural ability to bake the kind of Showstopper cakes that Pru and Paul love with a natural ability to eat limitless amounts of them.
I’m A Celebrity
You like to imagine yourself looking stoic and cool as you chow down on goat arseholes and tarantula legs. But given that you scream yourself silly if you see a tiny spider on your bedroom ceiling, it seems unlikely you’d be much use in the jungle. A more realistic vision is you bitching and moaning even more than Gillian McKeith.
Britain’s Got Talent
As soon as the theme tune kicks off, you’re wracking your brain for the amazing talent you could bring to the show. You’re not sure ‘flawless aim when pissing’ or ‘ability to sleep through any number of alarms’ would make good telly, but you can’t help but picture the one-sided smile creeping onto Simon’s lips as he declares that you are the future of British [insert-whatever-the-f**k-here].
Love Island
It’s hard not to imagine yourself kicking back by a pool with a hand-picked selection of Britain’s hottest people. It’s just that, in your head, you believe you’d look like them, forgetting that they’d be the worst people to stand alongside in swimwear. And none of them would fancy you. Those night-time cameras would catch you doing nothing under the covers but crying about how fat and lonely you feel.
Gogglebox
Whenever you watch TV, you test out a few witticisms in your head, imagining the UK public charmed by your pithy remarks about the cleavages in Bridgerton. In reality, you’d be captured gawping at the telly like an idiot, the perfect silence from your sofa broken only by the sound of you and your partner loudly chewing your way through a whole pack of Oreos.
