Dune, Breaking Bad, and other works that are basically racism against bald people

6th March 2024

THE hair-deprived are often demonised in fiction just as they are in real life. Here are the works which unjustly paint the bald as irredeemable villains.

Dune

Dune is a mythic tale of moral complexity where an individual’s virtue can turn on a dime. Unless you’ve got a smooth, shiny head, because that means you’re unquestionably a baddie. How do we know Austin Butler’s character is evil? Bald. Dave Bautista? Slaphead. Stellan Skarsgård? Cueball. They had hair in the book, so this is an unnecessary attack on the hairless.

Breaking Bad

Sure, Walter White kills a couple of dudes while he still has hair but he only goes full psycho after he shaves his head. To be fair, he did that due to the side effects of chemotherapy, but he maintained the bald look after being told he was in remission, and continued killing people, so the producers clearly wanted to play up the unproven link between having dubious moral values and no hair.

Despicable Me

Gru’s lack of hair is a crucial part of his supervillain image, to the point where he is also known as ‘the Bald Terror’. However, he does have a redemption arc over the film series, which surely proves that a lack of hair does not automatically consign you to being evil forever. Plus he’s the boss of the Minions, who are also quite bald, but unquestionably cute.

Harry Potter

Psychopathic, power-hungry Muggle-hater Lord Voldemort could not be more evil, or more bald, if he tried. To such an extent that his nose holes have closed over, lest a stray hair attempts to escape. Harry, Ron and Hermione, on the other hand, all have lustrous heads of youthful hair. So it’s not only an attack on the follicly challenged, but also ageism. Disgraceful.

Hitman

Agent 47 carries two guns, barely speaks, and he’s got a barcode on the back of his neck. But what really seals the deal that he’s an emotionless killing machine? His total lack of hair. Though, in fairness, he might not be able to pull off the whole monotone brooding assassin thing if he had a mullet or a box fade.

Austin Powers

It makes sense that Dr. Evil is evil and a doctor. But nothing in his name necessitates his baldness. Yes, he’s based on Blofeld from James Bond, but several actors have played that part and not all of them were bald. Why didn’t Mike Myers base Dr. Evil on Charles Gray’s silver-haired version from the 1971 Diamonds are Forever? Prejudice. That’s why.

Richard Littlejohn, and other twats who'll be f**ked without diversity courses

6th March 2024

JEREMY Hunt has instructed cash-strapped councils to stop spending money on diversity training. But has he considered the effect on people who love criticising them, ie. these twats?

Richard Littlejohn

A significant chunk of Littlejohn’s shitty output is about diversity courses, such as Warwickshire County Council’s African drum workshop, or ‘bongo sessions’ as he puts it. Needless to say, he never provides any context – that example appears to have been a bit of light relief at a multi-organisation conference on hate crime. Without diversity training Littlejohn is going to be short of things to write about, although there’s always his other bordering-on-mental-illness obsession: gay people having sex. Or as he puts it, ‘buggery’, ‘dykery’ and ‘poovery’.

Gammons

The real victims of scrapping diversity courses will be Britain’s many gammons. They’ll no longer be able to sit in the pub basking in the warm glow of victimhood when Gerald says it’s an outrage that employers won’t let you use harmless terms like ‘sambo’ anymore. Without diversity training to mock they’ll have nothing to talk about, and it’s almost certainly impossible to discuss prawn cocktail crisps more than three nights in a row without suffering some sort of brain damage.

The retired fascists on BBC comments

Fans of the now-defunct site Speak You’re Branes will remember that BBC comments used to have their own section called ‘Have Your Say’. Nowadays reactionary old gits flock to any article about diversity training to share their fact-free imaginings and pointless personal reminiscences, eg. ‘I worked in the public sector for 40 years and never saw any prejudice.’ If you say so, Roger the Coffin Dodger. Without diversity training they’ll have to comment on other news stories, which is no fun because the only things that interest them are sneering at young people and LARPing about ‘the Muslims taking over’.

Tabloid readers

These poor dolts will suffer in two ways. Firstly, without articles mocking diversity training, tabloids will have to publish different, even worse, crap, eg. Myleene Klass describing what she has for breakfast. Secondly, because their worldview is built on believing every bullshit article they read, the absence of fabricated stories about diversity training will cause their entire perception of reality to crumble, leaving them confused and terrified like Neo in The Matrix.

Allison Pearson and all Telegraph columnists

Pearson loves a good article about diversity, in which she can share such opinions as ‘our institutions have been taken over by self-hating white people’. Really? Sorry, we forgot this is self-evidently true if you’re a Telegraph reader who already thinks Marxist academics want to graft a penis onto his wife for some reason. Without diversity, Pearson will definitely be struggling to think of ideas for articles, although you suspect this may already be the case due to columns like ‘Which Telegraph reader has the most beautiful roses in Britain?’

Workplace dickheads

God knows there are enough dickheads in most workplaces to merit an afternoon of everyone being reminded that offensive language is offensive. Also the law on workplace discrimination is quite strict these days, so you WILL get sacked for repeatedly using racial or homophobic slurs – especially if your victim gets a £30k payout from a tribunal. So ironically bigoted dicks should be campaigning for more diversity training, before they regret hilariously calling Colin in IT support a ‘shirt-lifter’.