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Busting a nut in the gut: Euphemisms for sex that Shakespeare probably came up with

MANY of our most beloved English phrases can be attributed to Shakespeare, so he probably came up with these delicate euphemisms for sex too, writes Sun reader Roy Hobbs.

Planting the parsnip 

Most of the bard’s plays are about shagging in one way or another. I think this is out of that ‘To be, or not to be’ speech – but I could be mistaken.

Hanky panky

Shakespeare wrote dozens of plays about various King Henrys for some reason. This was probably in a play about the comedy fat one who beheaded all those women he shagged.

The no-pants dance 

It takes a true master of the English language to think of rhyming ‘pants’ with ‘dance’. This one is so good it probably came from one of those boring love poems what he did.

Busting a nut in the gut

It speaks volumes for just how boring theatre is that Shakespeare could invent one of the great English sex euphemisms, but no one knows because who wants to see a bunch of twats prancing around in tights? It’s tragic really.

Rogering

This is one of the great British classics and surely was invented by Shakespeare. Or maybe it was Winston Churchill. Definitely one of the two.

A VIP ticket for the beef buffet

Shakespeare was a master of romance, and it’s easy to imagine that bird Juliet leaning out of her tower with her tits and that asking Romeo if he’d like a VIP ticket to the beef buffet.

Visiting the bean rodeo

Despite Shakespeare living before the concept of rodeos even existed, he coined this phrase. That’s how ahead of his time he was. 

Putting a banana in the fruit salad

The state of education in this country when a woman in the pub doesn’t even know you’re quoting the Bard when you use this in one of your chat-up lines. I simply despair.

Kicking off the cucumber hootenanny

This one was told to me by a cousin from Dorset. He said it’s from Julius Caesar and I have no reason to doubt him because he’s the brainiest one in the family. He’s got a diploma in marketing from the University of Salford for f**k’s sake.

Six Guardian wellbeing tips if you have no job and limitless cash

SEEKING serenity, we all turn to the Guardian for advice on coping with the stress and strain of reading terrifying stories in the Guardian. Here are their tips to make you feel good, all the time, about everything.

Throw your alarm clock in the koi carp pond

Why get up at seven in the morning like all those pitiful rodents in the rat race? Sleep in until 11 for maximum spiritual replenishment, then ease yourself gently into the day with a hibiscus tea and a meditation session. It’s a mystery why more people don’t do this.

Get in a little man to do your odd jobs

Skylight in your study stuck? Door to your walk-in pantry come off its hinges? Don’t waste valuable time hunting for a screwdriver when you could be fretting about the disadvantaged. Get in a little man – or better still, a little woman – to do it for you. They’re remarkably cheap and their desperate gratitude for any paid work will give you the lift you need to beat the January Blues.

Winter in Sri Lanka for four weeks instead of two

The effects of the British winter are corrosive for sensitive souls like you who constantly worry about climate change. So why not jet out to your favourite resort for an extended break on the other side of the world where hotels are quaintly cheap and the locals charmingly obsequious? 

Buy that sports car – you’re only 45 once!

You could have been a poet but the capitalist system forced you to go into banking instead. So go on – ditch the wanky folding bicycle for your morning commute and buy that vintage Lotus Elan you always craved. Show your soulless capitalist bosses your spiritual side.

Convert your disused barn into a swimming pool and squash court

We’ve all stared out of our kitchen windows wondering what to do with the derelict barn you inherited when you swapped your job in London for a rural Cotswolds idyll. Well don’t just think, act! For the price of a coffee shop you could convert it into your own private sports centre, with all the scientifically proven health benefits that brings.

Organise a workers’ uprising 

Not a real one, of course! More something along the lines of a civil war reenactment, using local volunteers to play the roles of Russian proletarians overthrowing their imperial tyrants. ‘Living history’ projects like this are not only educational – they provide the disadvantaged with a way of using up energy that might otherwise go into vandalising your Volvo in the Waitrose car park.

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