A GOOD few spritzers at a garden party are harmless, right? You may revise that opinion after having a violent drunken row or blacking out and pissing your shorts. Here are some summer drinks to be wary of.
Pimm’s
Doesn’t even taste alcoholic, but it’s 25% by volume. With cucumber and mint it’s basically a salad, but vegetarians don’t have a meal then slur their words and become horribly argumentative – and they have reason to be angry, eating crap like broccoli linguine instead of proper pasta containing a Peppa Pig’s worth of bacon.
Lambrini
At a mere 6% ABV this is a fun, not-too-strong drink for lovely young women to get tipsy on. However, criminologists have found it’s responsible for more vicious violence than any male pub brawl, such as sticking a stiletto heel in someone’s face.
Blue Hawaii, and any ‘fun’ cocktail
You would never normally make yourself a drink of rum, vodka and curacao. In large, garden party servings, these unfamiliar drinks will become an accident waiting to happen – either a metaphorical one, such as coming on to your host’s 17-year-old daughter, or a literal one as you suddenly keel over with all protective instincts disabled and knock your front teeth out.
Cider
Beer drinkers imagine this to be a lighter, fruity summer drink. But with wildly varying alcohol levels between brands, it’s easy to end up blackout pissed in true West Country fashion. You’ll regret that one-night stand you remember nothing about when the GP diagnoses you with sheep tics.
Fruit punch
Making punch is always left to someone with little experience of alcohol, eg. the host’s devout Christian friend from uni. Confused by amounts and flavours they’ll end up making something that would instantly deck Peter O’Toole. In an injustice typical of life, they will then drink lemonade all evening while you utterly humiliate yourself, talking utter shite and finally stumbling off for a lie-down, during which you piss in a cupboard – or worse.
G&T
A genteel drink you can imagine Keira Knightley sipping in a period drama, so it’s easy to forget it’s a strong spirit you can easily down loads of before it suddenly hits your system in one go and removes all rationality. We never see Keira giving Mr Darcy a blowjob in front of other guests or squatting in the corner of a drawing room having a piss. You’re not telling us it didn’t happen, though.
