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'Problem' drinker actually finding it quite easy

A MAN who read a newspaper article saying the amount he drinks is a problem has confirmed that he is actually finding it to be very easy.

Tom Logan, who regularly drinks a bottle of wine or two every night, says it slips down effortlessly and makes everything seem much better.

Logan said: “Far from being a problem, it’s actually cheering me up and giving my evenings a delightfully warm and fuzzy feeling.

“It completely stops me worrying about the news and thinking about the terrifying global slip into right-wing lunacy, climate change and deadly viruses. 

“Also I drink so regularly that my hangovers have stopped being horribly unpleasant and are now just a sort of foggy cranial buffer against the harsh realities of the cold light of day.

“I think I’d have way more of a problem if I didn’t drink.”

Alcohol counsellor Donna Sheridan said: “Lockdown drinking can be a problem. But I find it all goes pretty smoothly so long as I don’t hit the vodka on a Monday.”

The clapped-out Mancunian rock star's guide to Covid-19

NEED Covid advice? Fortunately two of the most well-known rock stars of yesteryear, Noel Gallagher and Ian Brown, are here to join intellectual forces and tell it like it is.

Masks

NOEL: No one tells me what to do. It’s like World War 1. Them soldiers taking orders from officers to put on masks when there was a mustard gas attack. I’d have told them to piss off. I’m not gonna take orders from some hoity-toity country house ponce like Captain Damon Albarn. 

IAN: Anagram of masks: ‘skams’. Think about it. 

Social distancing

NOEL: I might reform Oasis just to annoy the social distancing do-gooders. I hate my gobshite brother Liam, but I’d probably snog him to piss them off. It won’t happen though – I’m too busy composing new material on Paul McCartney’s old Gretsch acoustic while sitting on an enormous throne in my mansion, Bonehead Heights. I’ve got a bullshit detector.

IAN: Social distancing. Stands for Super Oppressive Control Initiative Activate Lies Divide Indoctrinate Sheep Total Authoritarian National Conspiracy It’s Nazi Germany. Think about it.

Vaccines

NOEL: There was only one reason John Lennon stuck a needle in himself and it wasn’t coronavirus, know what I mean? I don’t. No one tells me what to do, but if the Beatles wrote Sergeant Pepper on Covid vaccine instead of LSD, I’d be like “Stick that needle in me now”. 

IAN: Why do they want to keep you alive? So they can carry on controlling your minds. By trying to stay alive you’re playing right into their hands. Think about it. #searchbollockswebsites.

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