A LOOMING Guinness shortage will deprive millions of their favourite tipple, but don’t despair – following these simple tips will turn any pint into a Guinness.
1: Order a bitter
A pint of mahogany bitter, given its alcoholic content and unpleasant taste, is the ideal base for recreating your precious Guinness. Ideally choose a variety which makes you wince with every sip.
2: Add Marmite
Marmite ticks two boxes for the Guinness-lover: it’s a vile acquired taste which repels ordinary, decent people and it’s extremely dark in colour. Also it’s got yeast involved in its unholy manufacture somewhere. Spoon in around half a jar.
3: Stir in peat
Now you need to enhance your pint’s quintessential stereotypical Irishness so stir in a couple of handfuls of peat moss, available at any garden centre that doesn’t give a f**k about carbon capture. Muttering Irish phrases like ‘Begorrah’ or ‘Grand lad, the Pope’ will add flavour.
4: Tell it about the Black-and-Tans
In a low, conspiratorial whisper inform your nascent Guinness about the auxiliary police force that enforced English law so brutally in the 1920s. Inform it that its own colours were created to mock the Black-and-Tans, which they weren’t but it sounds good.
5: Ritually murder a toucan
The connection between toucans and Guinness is mysterious, mystical and very real. Obtain one – any decent zoo will be glad to get rid, it’s not as if they bring in the punters – and slaughter it on an inverted crucifix while commending its soul to hell. Mix in a few drops of its blood.
6: Top with squirty cream
For the white part on the top, add a whirl of squirty cream from any high street shop, even Spar, and flatten with a ruler. Now it’s starting to look like the good stuff.
7: Top again with white paint
Once the cream has settled, pour in a layer of white emulsion. Dulux’s Clock Face is just the right shade, but any will do. Make sure it floats on the surface for the perfect pint.
8: Sip once and discard
Sip, pull a face as the foul brew spreads across your tastebuds, and push away. After a few minutes claim ‘it isn’t going down right’ and ‘must not have been poured properly’. Order a lager instead.
