subscribe
/ Sign Out

British women best at being pissed

BRITISH women have triumphed against their gutless continental counterparts in the global race to be the best binge-drinkers.

Women from these isles regularly down six drinks or more in a single session, and are matched only by permanently hammered Danish women in the battle to be most pissed in Europe.

Sue Traherne, who cleared two bottles of Pinot Grigio last night even though it was a Tuesday, said: “I knew I must be doing it for a reason.

“France? Bunch of so-called sophisticate wine-sippers. Germans? Two pints and their frauleins get frisky. Italians? Too busy talking. And forget the lightweights outside Europe.

“No, through years of dedicated drinking and mastery of the techniques surrounding it – urinating in taxi ranks, building boozing stamina with a kebab, fighting in the toilets – we’ve won through to become world champions.

“On holiday when I see the spiritless Spaniard, the abstemious American, the temperate Thai I sneer at all of them. They can’t get as pissed as I can. They’re not as pissed as I am right now.”

Romanian woman Paula Bruma said: “I am so jealous. I would give anything for such an epic blotting out of reality.”

New grandmother decides she'd like to be called Nanbot 3000

A WOMAN who recently became a grandmother for the first time has confirmed she wishes to eschew the usual ‘Gran’ or ‘Nan’ in favour of ‘Nanbot 3000’.

Susan Traherne wanted an original name which reflects the fact that she is a modern woman with cutting edge views on grandparenting in the 21st century.

Traherne said: “‘Grandma’ is too formal, ‘Granny’ makes me sound decrepit and ‘Nan’ conjures up an image of me watching Coronation Street in my slippers while knitting a tea cosy.

“Then there’s things that my friends who are grandmothers have chosen, like ‘Abuela’ and ‘Gigi’, which I refuse to consider because I’m not a massive wanker.

“So I’ve gone with ‘Nanbot 3000’, which sounds sleek and contemporary. My daughter is worried the kid will be bullied, but I think the opposite. Nobody’s going to mess with a child whose grandmother sounds like a murderous super robot.”

Daughter Emma Traherne said: “Aside from the obvious embarrassment, it’s going to be annoying when buying birthday cards as Clinton’s covers basically every base except this one.

“Enjoy getting a shit handmade card every year, mum. You’re going to have to do a hell of a lot of babysitting to make up for this.”

Next story ›