SOARING temperatures mean that popping out of the office for six pints this lunchtime is compulsory behaviour, it has been confirmed.
The heat-health alert being raised from yellow to amber has brought heavy lunchtime drinking rules into effect and must be followed to the letter by anyone who is in work or unemployed.
Chief Medical Officer Chris Whitty said: “The mercury has hit 30C, so you need to step away from your desk at lunch, double park yourself, and get steadily hammered. For your health.
“Anyone who’s caught sober from mid-afternoon onwards will be fined on the spot or forced to drink a pint through a funnel while everyone else chants ‘chug-chug-chug-chug.’ And don’t forget that eating is cheating.”
Office boss Martin Bishop said: “It sounds crazy but the rules are there in black and white in your contract. So what are you waiting for? Turn your computer off now and get down to the pub pronto.”
Homeworker Emma Bradford said: “Way ahead of you. I’ve been permanently half cut since the first peep of sun in April. Cheers.”
