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News Briefly

Shane Richie promises to have sex with other two members of fan club

Tesco launches 'Scottish' range of super-economy products

Super-intelligent apes delay uprising until things are less screwed

Children will learn more maths 'if they study it for longer'

Bercows continue to believe they are not universally despised

Paul Daniels attacked after discovering Sooty was just a man's hand

Ageing population means Britain will be 87% racist by 2024

Total economic collapse of Europe could make holidays cheaper

Morgan 'deserves George Cross' for eavesdropping on Heather Mills

Edinburgh Festival predicts record number of shattered dreams